I die a little inside, each any every time I see you.

You pick me up from my house; the one in the gated community "Acacia", in your original vehicle; the BMW convertible and you say, "Hello" to me as I step inside your car. I say, "Hi" and reply a bit sheepishly as I buckle my seat belt and I am glad that it is night because I am not wearing any make-up and I feel bare and naked.


As we drive out of the gate and pass by the water fountain, you say to me that I look pretty tonight and I can't help but laugh. I chuckle with an air of uncertainty and think to myself that you'll say anything to charm your way into my pants.

I smoke a cigarette in your car even though I know that you don't like the smell of smoke when it lingers on your leather seats. I wish I felt special tonight because you picked me up, gave me a compliment and brought me to the house that you live in with your best friend along with his family. I can't, because I know what I'm here for.

I have to take off my sandals because they make a loud, flip-flop sound and I follow you to the backyard because you can't sneak me inside the house. We walk in the dark and the grass is cold under my feet and I hold your hand as you lead me (astray) to the unfinished garden shed. A small white dog meets us on our way to the shed and I am certain it will bark and catch someones attention from inside and a person will emerge from the back door and catch us red handed. But it never made a sound so I ask you if it is friendly and you say, "Yeah, she's not mean" and as we climb the steps into the shed I look behind me and realize "she" is following us.

Then as you start to close the door she walks inside too and sits by the door staring at us while she licks her lips. "What kind of a dog is that?" I asked you. "I don't know, she's a mutt", you reply. I kneel by her and pet her as you take off your jacket and put your phone into your pocket along with your keys. It is pitch black inside and I notice the sky light overhead that is still missing a glass windowpane.

You announce that you have to go get something from inside the house and you let the dog back outside as you walk out of the shed. I sit there in the darkness alone and for a few seconds as I try to make up my mind about something.

I decide to stand up and step on nails and screws scattered on the floor with my bare feet as I walk over to your jacket and I reach inside your pocket for your phone. I open your Env II and click the menu button and scroll down until I find your text messages. I just need to be sure about one thing; that you aren't still talking to "her".
I see text messages from me and then I see some you have sent to another girl named Rebbecca.
There is one particular text that catches my eye which says, "It's a nice night to take a nap together." I instantly remember her from High school.

She used to wear wire rimmed glasses; the nerdy kind. She is Caucasian and has dirty blonde hair, small boobs and a boyish, stick figure to match. I delivered a pizza to her four years ago when I was a delivery driver; she only tipped me two dollars. Bitch.

I become immediately suspicious. "Did you fuck her?" I ask no one out loud. I want to confront you when you came back; I want to ask you to take me back home. I want to make a scene, I want scream and yell and shout. But then I'd have to admit to you that I looked through your text messages. An that I'm nosy; that I still undoubtedly do not trust you. I decide against the outburst, "you win again" Matt, I say to myself out loud.

I assume I am just paranoid and I place your phone back into the pocket of your jacket and the screen glows through it for me to see and turns off after several seconds. My heart pounds and the palms of my hands become instantly sweaty as I hear your footsteps coming closer and I am glad I didn't get caught snooping by you.

You walk in the shed with a sleeping bag, how romantic, I sarcastically think to myself.
I'm a pawn, sure I've dated you twice but I've never been able to capture your heart or your soul.

You lay down the sleeping bag in the middle of the floor and sit on top of it and ask me to come sit next to you. I stand up and look at you and I am hesitant in the darkness. I wait for a beat and snap out of my insolent mood.

I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I walk towards you and I sit facing you on the thinly insulated sleeping bag and you lean forward and kiss me.

It is a passionate yet lustful kiss; full of pent up aggression and mirth at having won the prize for tonight.
My heart is not in it but I kiss you back and you stick your tongue down my throat, I don't do the same but you don't really care or notice anyway.

Then you kiss my face, down my neck and to my breasts. I'm a simple, lonely girl, I think to myself while you undress me. It's always been like this.

You start to kiss my lips again and I try to stop thinking and go along with it. I'm stark naked on the sleeping bag and you still have your clothes on; you sit there and relish the fact that I'm indisposed.

You began to undress yourself and I sit there disinclined, waiting.
We make shapes in the dark and I feel lost. I am not lost in a good way; I'm disenchanted and I know why.

I never came.

I stand up after awhile in my nakedness tonight and you say after a few seconds of looking at me from behind how you love my curvy body.

I stay quiet and stand with my back to you and pause. Then I look above my head at the skylight and look at the stars. I feel bare and cold. I realize I am naked and I began to look for my scattered, clothes and you follow my lead and we get dressed in silence.

We walk back out into the backyard and my sandals make the flip-flop sound as I walk but I don't take off my shoes. I walk ahead of you and head straight to the front yard and wait for you in your car as you put the sleeping bag away.

I am tired.

I am ready to go home now and go to sleep.