"If you were a cigarette, I would have three packs of you a day and wouldn't mind cancer one bit."

Yesterday all I ate was one chocolate flavored Poptart, a cup of macaroni salad, one Dr. Pepper and a cup of coffee that cracked me out for the whole afternoon.
I went to my last DUI class tonight and scheduled a make up lecture for next week.
I owe Valley Improvement Programs exactly $101. Then it's on my way to a regular license!
I wish my unemployment check was here already. I hope it gets here by Saturday! I could really use a shopping spree, I need a new wardrobe and to spend some money on myself. Shopping makes me feel better.

"Did you see that? It just flew right up my nose!"

So yesterday I got lectured for about two hours by my uncle just to come to the blatant conclusion that he's a condescending, bigot. I hate living here with these people, relatives or not. I'm not adept to living with people anymore.

I hate having money and not being able to spend it on myself because I have to pay endless, piles of bills.

After the lecture I popped two Xanax and went straight to Ryan B.'s house and got stoned. I realize I only go and do these "bad things" when I feel like shit. I don't plan on making it a habit though.

I took the bottle of Xanax my mom mailed me this week with me to his house and I counted out a total of 79. For A lark I asked Ryan if he knew anyone that would trade some for something else and he asked his coke dealer if he would trade 40 Xanax for a gram of blow and he said yes.

I left around eight to go home and take a nap and woke up after ten, I texted Ryan but he still hadn't made the trade by this time. I tried to have him abort the mission but he had already left to meet the guy.

A little after 11:30 my aunt comes into my room and kisses me goodnight on my cheek, like I'm some wayward child who needs love and attention.

Then when everyone is going to sleep next thing I know I'm sneaking out the side gate of my house to go do some of "my blow" with some dude and Ryan, in the dude's car. Fucking lame. I didn't want to share it with anyone but Ryan. Now I only have about 3 lines left at the most because they probably snorted it all before they came to my house. I'm never trading my Xanax for blow ever again. This what I get for associating with druggies. Fucking fail.

I think you're constipated, in your fucking soul.

My life is so dull at the moment. I did absolutely nothing this whole week and weekend.

I tried to hang out with Matt on Friday night but he refused to come pick me up because he's embarrassed to drive around in his jacked up BMW with a broken window and spare tire! Fucking lame.

Then when I suggested that Robert come pick me up since he was with him, he got all stupid and started saying to Robert, "Veronica wants to hang out with you, go pick her up, go for it man!"
I told him that I just need a ride since I can't drive down there to hang out with him. Sometimes I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or being serious. It's annoying.

Then at like almost eleven o'clock Amy calls me and asks if I want to hang out with her and her new man and meet his roommate. I agreed but told her she would have to come pick me up. She said she would call back. Then she texted me, "Nevermind, I'm not going out." Then at 12:30 a.m. she calls me but by then I was already in bed trying to fall asleep. I ignored her phone call.

Saturday in the afternoon I called Evan to see if he wanted to hang out but he was on his way to b-day party. I told him to call me back when he left the party. He called me back at 10:45 p.m. and actually asked me to drive my car to San Dimas to go hang out with him even though he knows my restricted licensce expired on my b-day!

Law Office of Callas & Heise (Draft)

I didn’t rinse all of the soap out of my coffee cup yesterday, so along with my Folgers and milk-free creamer are little soap bubbles floating at the top of my cup, but I won’t dump everything out and re-rinse the cup and add more creamer, coffee and sugar. It’s too much work. So I will continue to drink this coffee, so I can wake up and not feel like a walking, zombie.

As I check my phone for a text message or an e-mail that will never come from Kevin. I notice my phone has dialed Adam Benavides’ number and realize the phone call is already a minute and twenty-three seconds in. So either he answered the accidental phone call and is listening to the morning sounds and voices of the law office I work at, or, it went straight to voice mail and his phone is waiting for me to leave a voicemail.

I ended the callg and went straight to my contacts and erased his number. I don’t talk to him anymore and I’m done texting him random things just to see what his reaction is. He says, I’m immature. But everyone knows this.

I turn my phone off out of fear that he will call me back demanding to know why I called him at 8:08 a.m., but what he won’t know is that it was an accident, an aftereffect of spilling beer on my BlackBerry three weeks ago and since he’s the first person listed alphabetically in my contacts, my phone randomnly decided to call him.

So I sit here at my desk that sits too low and touches the top of my knees, drinking my cold coffee in the effluvia of so many different perfumes permeating the air, making me a little more nauseous, with each breath I take in.

It doesn’t matter that I dress up most days in this law office or that I’m wearing knee socks with Mary Jane shoes and a baby doll dress that matches. It doesn’t matter because no one is here to witness it, except for menopausal women and their receding hairlines and secret feelings of failure and regret because they still have to work past age sixty to pay off that house mortgage, instead of happily being retired already.I’m not sure what keeps all these women working here, besides having to pay bills but I do know that the lawyers here like making money and making lots of it.

My boss in particular is a Jew (not literally, he's Caucasian I think) and is in his sixties and at any moment he could have a heart attack and die. Or maybe he will throw yet again, another temper tantrum in all of our presence, when he gets another bill for removing viruses off my computer or if he doesn’t get (to Jew) an applicant’s attorney out of a Settlement.

Maybe, if he didn’t slur his speech when he dictates into his voice recorder (and he gave me that raise he promised me that was supposed to be every six months) I could like him. But he doesn’t speak more clearly in his dicatation and he doesn't spell out those medical terms, even though all four of us secretaries have asked him politely to.

It doesn’t matter that I can type 8 words per minute or that some of these old women here are jealous of me, because I have a shape that they never had when they were my age or because I’m only twenty-three years old and not jaded yet and I still have my whole life ahead of me to live.

Maybe, some of them don’t like me because last year for April Fool’s day, I hid a few of these secretaries’ (only the ones I despise of course) staplers and name stamps and replaced all of the missing items with photocopied pictures, instead.

The UPS guy knows what I’m going through, he always comes into the office every day with a smile on his face and says to me, "Hi, Lovio" and I always reply in a flat, monotonous tone, "Hello". I still do not know what his name is, to this day even though he knows mine.

He knows that I don’t belong here under these neon lights, sitting at my desk in the sea of dark, green, carpet that looks like grass. That I'm out of place and I’m dying slowly too in this office like all these other old, bitter, people.

Maybe this year for Christmas I will bake a special batch of cookies laced with Ex-Lax for everyone to eat, but I'm not sure yet, December is two months away.

35

1. Cruz Aguilar (1)

2. Mychal Munoz

3. Adrian ?

4. Samuel Stines

5. Trevor Feaster

6. Michael Schmoll

7. Michael "Skosh" Simon

8. Lon Peterson

9. Michael Rohrer

10. Enrique (Henry) Von Casas

11. David Pawasarat

12. Gian ? (1)

13. Isaac Nystrom

14. David Stephens

15. Peter (Anarbol) Cajas

16. Kory Wilson

17. Kevin Fitzsimmons

18. Mattew Trejo

19. Jacob Wommack (1)

20. James Velilla
21. Robert Freeman
22. Jeffrey ? (1)
23. Ryan Tagami (1)
24. Michael Palmer-Cervantes
25. Adam Norton 10/24/10
26. Andrew Bremer 11/01/10, 11/04/10
27. Matthew Baldwin 11/28/10 (1)
28. Justin Cioni 12/01/10
29. Tyler Clark 12/05/10
30. Joe - Vegas 6/26/11
31. Justin Rothbauer/Irvine
32. Bucky Lee 9/2/11
33. Colton Cabrin 10/30/11, 11/06/11, 11/16/11
34. Zach Boyd 11/?/11, 12/3/11
35. David Curtis 12/21/11

I love you enough to let you go.

 Am I bad person if I still sleep with my ex-bf? I can't help it if I need sex, I'm only human and if I wasn't so embarrassed to go buy a vibrator, believe me I would go get one in a heartbeat!

The family left for Father's Day dinner Sunday night so I stayed home. I have no interest in seeing the rest of my family and spending more time with them than I already have to. I can't stand them they're all condescending assholes. So I invited Matt over the house as soon as they all left.

At this point in time, (I'm telling the truth now) I do not have any emotional attachments to him anymore. I will always love him and all that jazz but I'm currently not in love with him.
I am however still curious if he's sleeping with other people because I'm nosy. When I asked him he of course said no, he's sleeping with no one and he asked me and I started to say no, but then he remembered Sunday morning when he called me and he asked me if we could sleep together and I said no, that I'm seeing other people, so he said, "Don't lie. I know you are." So he asked me who it was and I said you don't know him so don't worry about it.
So any we did our business and I immediatley got up and got dressed and finished my Corona and went outside to smoke a cigarette, I wanted him to immediatley leave because I didn't know when my family was coming back home but I didn't tell him to leave. He eventually left after I told him, "I think you should get the fuck out of here already!" So we kissed goodbye and that was it.

"I don't care what anyone says, you're alright, Veronica."

Friday morning my aunt Eva came over the house to watch Alexis, I don't understand why we needed a babysitter for her when Chris and myself are home and more than capable of watching our cousin. So basically what happened is she started some b.s. with me my mother called (she hates her sister Eva) called my aunt Becky at work and pissed her off. Then my aunt Becky comes home from work and yells at me for what my mother told her on the phone. Talk about drama. My life reeks of it.
PJ and I planned to go to Richard G.'s party like a week ago and he came all the way down from Lake Forest to hang out with not only me but Carl as well. Carl picked me up from my house and we went to PJ's hotel room in Ontario. They of course made plans to pick up some coke. I didn't think it was a good idea but went along with it because, A) It would be free to me and B) after the scream fest that occurred at my expense earlier today, I definitely could have used a little artificial pick-me-up. I'm not saying it's right or it's wrong. To each his own.
We waited forever for the coke and then when we finally got it we did some lines and then went to 2nd Ave. Saloon to go see Richard. This bloke is fucking odd. I was already paranoid and somber as it was considering me and Matt aren't talking and I feel guilty about hurting his feelings. But this Richard guy kept staring at me and making me feel really uncomfortable. Then he mentioned PJ's sister Danielle having to call the cops on him and having him committed. Why would you admit that at your own b-day party?
Carl, PJ and I decided to bail and so we left and got some beer and Jeager and went back to the hotel to party. We talked about everything and while I was having fun and all I couldn't help but feel guilty about the whole Matt situation. I called him at like 2 a.m. and left him a message and apologized for everything I said. I didn't fall asleep until 4 a.m. but at least my conscience was clear of any guilt.

Complicated Grieving

Amy called me last night and informed me that she ran into Matt at 2nd Ave. Saloon on my b-day and she had to remind him that it was my b-day. That was the only reason why he even texted me at almost ten o' clock at night saying, "I know I'm a bad friend but happy birthday."

I can't believe what a jerk he is. That was the last straw. I texted him and this was the conversation we throught texting.

Amy just told me she had to remind you about my birthday! My ex-lover even remembered my b-day but but you couldn't! You're such a fucking douche bag!

Did she tell you how I thought it was on the 17th? Probably not but whatever then. Goodnight.

I need yet another break from you. You need to get your shit together. I'm really tired of your lies and don't think I didn't see your texts to Rebecca last week. When you're become a man and you get your own place feel free to contact me after. But for the time being I don't want any part of the fucked up person you are right now. You're a stranger to me now who I don't care to know or have in my life.

Fine Veronica. Fucking count me out. I have enough going on right now and a b-day is the least of my worries.

It's not about my b-day it's about you lying to my face about other girls! It's about you constantly treating me like shit! The old you would get it but this person you are doesn't obviously!

Just don't hit me up anymore. I promise to do the same.

Good. I don't need your drama in my life anymore, that's all you are, a big, pain in my ass!

I'm so glad this happened. I fucking swear I'm glad to cut another tie or burn another bridge because you're right, I'm different and I really don't give a fuck. Just another reason to say fuck everything and everyone's whining ass self. I'm an insensitive prick who just can't seem to get shit right with all this dead weight on my shoulders.

I'm glad to see your true colors tonight. Just remember that you're the one that always comes back to me honey, it's not the other way around! I'm not desperate and looking for a hole to fuck like you!

Desperate? Yeah, that's why I've turned down sex multiple times with you recently.

Wow, Matt. You really got me there. For the last time, I want my clothes back, you better give me back my fucking clothes tomorrow or Friday.

You got it.

Good. After this I never want to see your stupid, face ever again. I could tell you something really fucked up right now that will hurt your feelings but I'll refrain because I still have a heart unlike you, you heartless bastard.

I'm heartless, so how do you expect to hurt my feelings? But anyways, I'm done playing this game with you.

You'll see Matt, you'll see. I just want to make sure I get my shit back first!

Don't threaten me. That's all I have to say and if you're gonna put me on blast and say I'm a cheater and all that, go right ahead. As it is, it's already me against the world.

Whatever Matt. I'm not threatening you. That's what your problem is you need to let go of the past and get over it! But you refuse to!

What're you talking about? What past have I not let go of?

You need to get over the accident!

Are you really serious? I fucking dare you to say that to all of Jason's family and friends. See what they say to you then.

When you're older and more mature you'll understand what I mean. He would want everyone to go with their lives, not wallow in self pity.

I'm gonna drop your things off as soon as possible, because I really don't want to hear for you after that.

See what I mean you don't get it! You can think I'm a horrible person or whatever but I don know how it feels to hurt and feel loss, Matt! I'm not detached from everyone and everything anymore like you are.

TODAY

I may have been too blunt this morning but I never said forget what happened or forget Jason's memory! I just meant don't let it burden you for the rest of your life. You have "complicated grief" you should look it up on the internet and see for yourself. You should really talk to a professional about "the accident".

Bigfoot Lodge in Los Angeles

I went to see Jimmy Kimmel Live in Los Angeles with Ryan and Jennifer Barge along with their friend Samantha. Adam Sandler, Don Rickles and Ozzy Osbourne were there, it was an amazing show.

Then after the show we drove to Bigfoot Lodge to have a drink. Then I went home. It was kind of a boring b-day but it landed on a Tuesday and there's not much to do on a Tuesday.

The return of Former Lover #17

#17

1. His hair always smelled like Pantene Pro-V, (except when he took a shower at my house.)
2. He always wore jeans and t-shirts the entire time we were together.

3. He never wanted to have sex with the lights on because he was insecure about how thin he was.

4. When he would leave my house in the morning to go to work, we would kiss each other goodbye.

5. When we were both at work, we would e-mail each other, everyday, all day.

6. He liked to pull my hair when we had sex and made me orgasm seven times once.

7. He got pulled over by Upland P.D. for showing off in his car in front of me, but talked his way out of it.

8. He once told me when we were in bed together, "I’m attached to you but when you rush into things, you get hurt."

9. "Our friends", constantly made fun of me for liking him which made me feel sad and insecure.

10. My ex-boyfriend (and other people), sabotaged my relationship with him.

11. When we went to go see "Sector 9", I wanted to hold hands with him too, but forced myself not to.

12. After we saw that movie and we argued, I felt bad about what I said/did but I never apologized.

13. He thought I was embarrassed of him but I never was, I was just afraid to let myself like him.

14. He wanted to take me to Vegas with him but decided not to after I had that "talk" with him.
15. I went over my ex-boyfriend’s house just to make "him" jealous and it worked.

16. He left an Aqua Teen Hunger Force t-shirt at my house (I threw it away because it smelled like him and reminded me of him.)

17. I sent him a letter telling him basically, that I never wanted to speak to him ever again. I still to this day, regret, sending it.

This afternoon when I turned my phone back on when I got home from Kat's house I noticed a text message from an unknown person. I knew it was going to be a guy, I just wasn't sure exactly who it was...

So I text back asking who it was and it was Kevin Fitzsimmons, numero diez y siete.

We texted back and forth awkwardly until he ended up calling me and we talked for over an hour, I had to hang up finally because I didn't feel like talking about myself anymore and I got bored.
I know he's only talking to me again because he's only interested in sex but that's okay. I like being wanted and I only want "them" if they want me.

Summer is here and all the animals are mating and procreating and all the stupid humans are fucking and overpopulating!

I'm kind of glad for the fortune of having a distractment from Matt T. I was really losing my mind this past week over him and speaking of the Devil, he finally called me today and I ended the call early because the basketball game was on and was more important than a stupid, conversation with my former ex-boyfriend.

"Namaste, bitches!"

"

I went on a day camping trip with Jessica R., Jackie T. and Kat L.

Little did I know that they had planned this camping trip to be my (pre) b-day party since my actual b-day is on Tuesday and there's no way I'm going to see my friends during this next week, they all live too far! I had a really great time and I appreciated that everyone pitched in for it, considering we're all pretty much broke including me! Jessica R. got me some presents and stuff, it was so cute. The only thing I didn't really like is Jackie T. she's not really my friend, she's more of an acquaintence I think. She was really irritating this weekend, I don't think I like her or her negativity a whole lot...

"It always has to come to this."

This sucks, now I can't listen to the Knocked Up cover by Lykke Li anymore or watch the Twilight movies or even listen to certain Broken Social Scene songs, it's almost too much to handle. I keep thinking about Matt T. and if he's sleeping with other people because he's not sleeping with me! I need to stop thinking. I need to go for a walk. I need to stop thinking about him.

I need to get out of here! I need to go camping with my friends. I need to stop thinking about sex. I feel like my thoughts are driving me insane. I'm making myself go crazy....

Today, I really don't have anything important to say. Nothing much happened today. I did go pick up pizza for dinner and I wasn't wearing any make-up! That's a first for me, I never go out in public without painting my face first. Then I watched the Lakers and Celtics play tonight and the Celtics won! Whoo-hoo! I texted Matt T. but he never responded. He's such a fucktard.

But Jessica R. finally called back and invited me to go camping! I really want to go, I miss my Redondo Beach friends! <3

Patience is not a virtue.

Jessica R. called me today and we tried to make plans to hang out soon. I told her I felt bad about not staying the whole weekend but she said it was okay. I also told her me and Matt broke up. I really would like to get away from Upland again and hang out with her and everyone from Redondo for a weekend. Everyone is so dull and lame right now... Okay, so I was supposed to turn in my resume and application to Chaffey College for the Administrative Assistant II position and I even drove all the way to the college, but I drove right past it and got back onto the freeway and headed home. Why? Because I know they won't hire someone with a misdemeanor DUI that is as recent as this year. That was a total waste of gas... Like I told my mother yesterday if EDD denies me my unemployment all together I can always get my job back at Kelly Media Group. Or go the unemployment office in Rancho and have them help me find a job. Or I can go to Workers in Action and have them train me in a new proffession altogether. So all I can do is wait six to ten days to see what EDD's decision is.

Patience is not a virtue.

I hate being patient or waiting. At least in a month I will be receiving $241 I believe for my 2008 taxes and it will be debited into my checking account and in three to four weeks I will be receiving a check for $108 from H&R fucking block!

Also, today when I got our mail I received a check from Southern California Edison for about $33 and some change.

LATER THAT DAY

Went to Ryan B's house and hung out with him for awhile and watched his band practice until I got too bored. I left and when I got home I went on a cleaning spree that lasted three hours. It must have been those two hits from the gravity bong that gave me energy. Weed is very unpredictable to me, I never know if I'm going to have a bad trip or a good trip. I should probably stop smoking it all together. Amy called me after 11 and left a message wanting me to call her back, but I didn't because I knew she wanted me to go out with her but I literally was falling asleep watching TV. So I turned in early and fell asleep until I got a text messagefrom Ryan B. about him being depressed about his life.

Then he said that we needed to stick together and date.

This always happens to me, guys can never just be my friend they always want to ruin the friendship and date or sleep together. This is the worst way to ruin a friendship. Hasn't anyone gotten the memo!!!

Then he went on to say he was feeling suicidal! This scared the shit out of me, I spent the next two hours texting him and trying to convince him life was not that bad and that his family and friends would miss him and told him everything you're supposed to tell a suicidal person.
I had the most restless sleep I've ever had in my life, maybe it was the pills I took or the thought that one of my friend's almost committed suicide this morning! Either way it was fucking strange and crazy morning.

It's all right if you love me, it's all right if you don't.

Hey, what's up?
Hi.

What're you doing?

Watching the Dodgers on TV. What are you doing?

Who are they behind in one game?? Please ask someone! Nevermind!

The Padres!

Yeah, you're right.

I know.

Wanna do something in a while?

Sure...Like what?

Like hook up.

Okay, like in your car?

You know what, I shouldn't be saying that to you. I would be contradicting myself on everything I've been saying. I'm sorry.

What?!

I don't want you to be the fallback girl when it's me and my intentions to just hook up. I said I wanted to be your friend and that's what I want to be.

I think I know what your deal is. You think that if you have sex with me and that's it, I will start getting all weird and start asking you to be my bf again right? Well guess what? I'm done trying, you don't want to be with me and I get it now.

I want you, but I don't want to make it as if we're gonna be together right away, because I'm just not ready. I can't put you in that spot.

I think you should just fuck me, I haven't had sex in over a week and neither have you!

Wow, alright then.

But...you have to bring me my underwear and shorts!

I had sex with Matt last night and I never came. He never gave me my underwear or my shorts either.
It was awkward from the moment he picked me up until the moment he dropped me off. On the way back to his house he looked at me lovingly (or was it lustfully?) and grabbed my hand and held it while he drove, I acted normal and didn't really say much.

I've already decided to shut down the part of my brain that wreaks havoc on my emotions and turns my common sense upside down. So with that being said, I refuse to have romantic feelings for Matt right now, but not forever, just not at the moment.

We went to his house and he tried to sneak me into his room but Gary's mom was in the kitchen and you have to walk by it to get to the hallway. It was a fail. So he took me around to the backyard and we went into the unfinished tool shed. When he left to get a sleeping bag, I checked his text messages on his phone. I don't know why I did this, I guess to make sure he isn't fucking Jessie. I don't know why I care, but it's obvious I do. I saw some text messages from Erika and mostly from me, but when I looked in his sent messages I noticed some texts he sent to a girl named Rebecca. Some said that he was doing this or doing that and one even said he wanted to cuddle with her. I was initally hurt and angry when I saw them but I realized that I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't react this way.

He went down on me right away without even asking me if he could and after he was done he asked me to go down on him and I did unwillingly for a minute and then we had sex. Then when we would take breaks between sex, he would tell me to kiss him and to lay on his chest and then he said, "You make me feel so good". So I corrected him and told him, "Having sex with me makes you feel good not me."

I'm getting really sick of him saying these little, stupid, sentences because they fucking confuse me and send me mixed signals! After he came and got tired he took me home and while we were driving he said, "I want to spend the night with you." But I told him he couldn't because the dog will bark at him and wake up everyone in my house. Then he asked me if the garage is near my room and I said yes. But he said it was to sketchy and it's true knowing me and my luck I would get caught and my relatives will kick me out of this house and for what? A stupid, penis that belongs to my ex-boyfriend!

At this point I don't know what to do or feel anymore, it's all so complicated...

"Let's get shitty."

Why can't I catch a friggin' break? I went to my appointment with H&R Block to get my $108 back and while I'm waiting to meet with the lady EDD calls me. The stupid lady starts asking me retarded questions, like why did you quit your $8.15 an hour job. Uhhh, because it's just $8.15 an hour, duh! Then she asks me who was my last employer? Did she not have a fucking computer in front of her face with my information on it? I wish I could have a job where I call people and give them a hard time and ask them retarded questions that I already have the answers to! Then she told me she was going to call my last employer to verify that what I told her was true. Thank jebus I called and found out that I can't work three days a week there, that they want a full time employee. I really, need my unemployment money. I can't believe it's been four months since I applied, the ten week suspension is up already and I still haven't received a check yet! Please, someone give me some money, so I don't have to beg the relatives for more $.

Life just keeps on getting better, for me I swear. If I had some wine I would drink a whole bottle to myself But I don't have any and I wouldn't even if I did. Pathetic, I know, but so is my life this week. At least I have something to look forward to next Tuesday because not only will it be my 24th birthday, (I'm currently broke as a joke though) but I will be at a live taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live with musical guest, Ozzy Osborne! I'm going with Jennifer and Ryan Barge and Jennifer's love interest. This should be interesting since the last time I hung out with Jenn and Ryan we went to a goth club called Hell in Hollywood.

Shit happens.

So, I've been thinking since no one our age wants a relationship. Why should I? Why not have my cake and eat it too. Right?

I took Darla out for a walk tonight and I stepped in dog shit, it serves me right for cheating.
Just like when Matt called me a jerk last night. I deserved both, because in reality I really am a big jerk. But no one needs to know this except for me though.

You know it's time that we grow old and do some shit.

I feel lost and in a cloud of regret but the only thing I can do is not let myself get hurt again (ha, sure) and to not hurt others just because I can.  I gave in and texted Matt...

Matt?

Yeah, what's up?

I still want to be friends and

Okay, of course.

I still want you to be my lover.

But that still makes things complicated...

How so?

Are you talking about still being physical when you say lover?

Yes. So let me guess you don't want to sleep with me because you're being with other people now?

No, that's not it at all. I don't see how it's gonna be possible to not be bf and gf, but friends and lovers at the same time.

Can't you see? We were doing fine just being exclusive "lovers" and it wasn't until I brought up the bf and gf thing, that things went sour. That's all we've ever been. Lovers.

That's what I've been saying all along, it was good up until that point.

Why can't we go back to the way we were before?

I think we should let it rework itself on it's own. No point in rushing into anything right away.

You basically just said, you're in no rush to see me, just be blunt and honest Matt. That's all I ask of you. Okay?

Don't take what I say out of context. I don't want to rush into being your lover. We got along enough for it happen on it's own.

Ha, ha, ha, okay Matt. You make me laugh.

Whatever, jerk! Go to sleep now.

I am you keep waking me up with your texts!

And stop rubbing your vagina.

I never do that, go to sleep and try not to dream about our awesome sex.

All these people drinking lover's spit, swallowing words while giving head.

Today, I found out that my 2008 tax papers had never been mailed out. So my uncle referred me to his tax person and I also found out that I will be getting less money than I thought before. This tax man was in the Alta Loma so I decided to call Ryan B. to see what he was up to before I went home, I ended up going to his house for awhile, until it started getting too weird or maybe it was because I was just too stoned.

I've been extremely bored and kind of sad. I miss Matt already and it sucks. I knew I shouldn't have let him back into my life, I should have known better.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else and now that me and Amy are both newly single I think we should hit the town as soon as I get some cash flow!

I want to go to Rock It, so bad! I want to dance all these yucky, feelings away and hang out with my girlfriends. I'm tired of my guy friends and I need some girl time now.

I feel like emotionally I'm in a fog, this Matt T. drama has me reeling once again. I need to cut Matt T. out of my life forever. It's always the same story with him, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. But I know all about that and it doesn't work out even when you think it is.

In a Fog (draft)

When I don't have someone or nothing to do, I always end up thinking of you.

Like some kind of fucked up past time to make sure I haven't forgotten why.
It's not me and it's not you, it's someone worse than us combined.
I remember what I said and I don't mind if you don't ever plan on being mine.
But it's too late to take back actions or rotten articulation.

I would try to be around you if I knew that I wouldn't go through with a plan that never erases and rewinds.
It's too damn hard to shut my mouth when I know that I don't think twice about the words that are spilling out.
That cuts like a knife and were stinging you that night.
I wish I knew that man again the one that caught my attention he's been replaced by this certain person, I don't care to see or understand.
Like I said I know that it's wrong but all we had was always gone and it was stolen by us, it was never lost.

No one will ever know you were the worst kisser in the world. Even if they put a gun to my head and force me to say it in a poem.

So, yesterday was horrible for me but I guess I kind of deserved it...I knew from the second he picked me up from the house that something was wrong and even though I have been so angry at him, these last three days I still wanted to give "us" another try.

He didn't kiss me or say he missed me at all when I first got in the car and while we were waiting for Robert to meet us at Carrow's he said we needed to talk later and I asked him if it was bad and he said, "No, it's not bad." But in my heart I knew he wanted to break up so I told him what I planned on telling him about San Diego and the BBQ, and about Tuesday when I didn't take his side about Jonathan.

Then Robert showed up and Matt said, "I'm sorry for ruining your weekend." I don't know why I didn't listen to my conscience then and there, telling me to go back home that this wasn't going to end well! Because the talk later in Pomona sure as hell didn't go the way I wanted it to. So the three of us went to Aladdin Jr. to meet Erica P. and Jon B. and hang out. I was extremely irritated when I saw Erika because I hate traitors. But I kept my cool and pretended that I still like her. Matt kept acting like he adores me and pulled my dress down for me but I snapped at him and told him, "Don't touch my dress!"

After he had a nice buzz going he had the audacity to tell me, "You look stunning." I told him, "Don't waste your breath, that line is not going to work on me anymore." He told me that he wasn't trying to put me on. I basically kept being bitchy with Matt because I knew what was going to go down and how embarrassed I was going to feel later because I know that every single one of his friends knows that he's going to break up with me.

Matt kept getting up from the table to go watch the Lakers inside so I went inside and found him sitting at a table alone watching the game. I sat down at the table and asked him what it was he wanted to talk to me about, he at first said he didn't want to talk about it right here and right now. But I told him it might as well be now or never and I didn't want to pretend like everything is fucking peachy keen in front of all these people. If he wants to break up with me I want it to be known that that is what he wants even if it embarrassed me and him.

So he said he felt that he was forced to go out with me Saturday and that he's just not ready to be in a relationship right now and how it's not fair to me because of the way he's been treating me because it's not right. I told him if this is what he wants then okay, but were not going to be hooking up and shit after. So he said, I understand and I respect you for that, so I said, you should of been respecting me all along.

I told him again, either you're with me or you're not and he said he can't be with me at this time. So I was obviously hurt and upset because I planned on breaking up with him first but since he was avoiding me I never got the chance and I had gotten over Memorial Day and everything plus Robert F. was sitting behind us and was witnessing the whole thing.

So we broke up and we went back outside to sit with everyone and we didn't sit next to eachother and I was

TO BE CONTINUED...

It's good to see you, it's good to see you go...

It seems lately, that a lot of girls I know are having "boyfriend" problems. Last night I got text messages from Amy saying that PJ was leaving her and moving out. This totally sucks balls. This is the second, 6-7 year relationship that has deteriorated this year. Matt never called me back last night. So I called him this morning and he claimed he never saw a missed call from me. Then when I asked him what he was doing today he said he had to do some chores, clean his car and go to Santa Fe Springs for a swapmeet so then I said, "You're going to drive all the way to Santa Fe Springs for some tools?" and he started getting an attitude with me. I told him please don't give me an attitude at ten in the morning, like seriously. So then he said, alright and then I told him that we should hang out today and he's like okay, maybe. Maybe, my ass!

David S. and I have been texting since yesterday and he invited me to his house today. I went over this afternoon and I cheated on my boyfriend.

Then while I was at David's house I get a text message from Matt -

"I really can't stand your gay friend, He fucked up my care I want to kick his ass for everything.

How did he fuck up your car? Like seriously, stop complaining. It's not cute, it's over and done with!

What the fuck Veronica? Stop complaining about the drink that he threw that stained my paint? Don't be mad that he dented my door when he jumped in? Throwing shit at the windshield too? You're not being so appealing yourself either. You knew he was acting like a fucking dumbass and I'm wrong for being upset...

What was I supposed to do? I'm not responsible for my friend's actions.

Now, he knows how it feels for your significant other to think you are wrong for being upset for something that is valid! That's exactly what he gets, I hope he realizes that he did the same bullshit to me Monday night.

I would have felt guilty about what I did today, but not right now under this circumstances. Matt isn't putting forth the effort at all to discuss or even talk about this bump in the road we have encountered. So if he doesn't care about us or my feelings whatsoever, why should I care about the rules of a relationship or his feelings either?! I don't care what anyone thinks, I had sex with David and I enjoyed it.

'Cause breaking up is hard to do.

I cannot believe all the shit that has gone down in just one day. It all started because of some stupid, BBQ that I was not invited to because Matt felt that I should not go.

The best part of this sad, story, is that all these ill feelings and anger I feel towards him, could have all been avoided if he had just thought twice before doing and saying what he did and said yesterday! I blame him for this because he fucked up, big time.

This is how it started. Sunday night we drove back home from San Diego. I really wanted to stay but chose to leave with him because I assumed his feelings would have gotten hurt if I hadn't left with him. (Next time, I am doing whatever I want to do and I'm not going to care about other people's feelings anymore. Everyone is selfish and self-centered anyways!)

So anyways, Monday afternoon comes around and I get a phone call from Matt he's asking me what I'm going to do today and I tell him I don't know yet. So then he tells me he and his friends are going to a BBQ for Jason's b-day at Jason's parent's house. So I tell him, "I want to go, that sounds like fun." Then he tells me that Jessie is going to be there and that he doesn't think it would be a good idea if I went. Then that's when all hell broke loose. I immediately got pissed off because basically, I felt he was disrespecting me by not wanting me (his girlfriend) to be with him at the BBQ because it would make him and Jessie feel awkward. First off, I don't think he should give a shit how she feels! He's always complaining about her and telling me she won't leave him alone, so I can't understand why her feelings mean something to him all of a sudden!!!

Then he tells me that he knew I would react this way and that he shouldn't have even told me and that at least he did tell me because he could of just lied to me about. I tried to kid myself into thinking he was right that I would have felt extremely uncomfortable. But when I went to Amy and PJ's house and I talked to Amy about she even sided with me and felt that what Matt did was disrespectful to me because my feelings should matter to him, not Jessie's!

So I called him later that night to see what he was doing and if he had left the BBQ already and he said he was still there and that it went good, then he says, "I'm glad you didn't go, it worked out better this way." After he said this I felt like I got slapped in the face. I immediately got angry again. It's almost like he could give a shit how I feel or what I think. I don't understand how he couldn't have even thought for even a slight second that that, last comment would have hurt my feelings! Like hello, is he completely brain dead?! Then I started to tell him again, what I texted him that I feel disrespected and that he let Jessie win and he cut me off and said I don't want to argue with you about and basically threatened to hang up on me.

So I gave up and he changed the subject and asked me when I was leaving PJ and Amy's house and I said not anytime soon so I told him I would call him when I was leaving or something like that. When I was leaving I called and he told me he was at Zach's house and that he might leave or something like that and for me to call him when I'm near Zach's house. So I called him when I was on Mountain and 16th Street and I ask him, "What are you doing? Oh, I'm in the hot tub with my three friends." When I heard that I got pissed again, so I told him, "Oh, okay. Well I'm going home right now and I'm really tired so I just going to go to sleep, I'll talk to you tomorrow." and he said, okay and we said bye.

Then I get a text message from him that says, "I don't like the way you're acting at all. Spent the weekend with you and you get all butt hurt when I decide to sit in a spa with three other dudes." Ignored his text message and his phone call almost an hour later because, A) I didn't want to argue and B) It was already one in the morning by this time.

So when I woke up this morning I immediatley called him and it went straight to voicemail. So then I texted him, "Sorry, I missed your call I was really tired and I knocked out. So don't me mad!"

It is now 10:11 p.m. and he has yet to call or text me back....

I have talked to three people today about this whole situation and everyone thinks either he's wrong and he disrespected me, I should break up with him because there's already drama too soon, and that he's confused and wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I plan on having a serious talk with him whenever I see him this week. This is what I plan on telling him, "This whole situation could have been avoided if you had just been honest and hadn't sprung the news on me last second on Monday afternoon. If you had told me in San Diego, "Hey, I got invited to a BBQ for Jason but Jessie is going to be there too, so I think it would be best if you didn't go because it'll make it awkward for the three of us." I would have been a little irritated but would have been okay with it and I would have just stayed in San Diego with my friends. So you have no one to blame but yourself for what's going on right now."

Also I want to hear a reason as to why he never called me or texted me back today. You know what...I don't even want to hear what he's going to say. Or what excuses he's going to come up with. I'm so over trying to see his side of the story and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's over. I don't know why I didn't see this coming.

So when he calls me and he agrees to see me in person, I'm going to say what I want to say (or just tell him on the phone if it comes down to it) and then I'm breaking up with him and that will be the end of that. There's plenty of fish in the sea. I'm sick to death of his bullshit and I'm not going to take it anymore.
I'm not under your thumb, Matt Trejo!