It's all right if you love me, it's all right if you don't.

Hey, what's up?
Hi.

What're you doing?

Watching the Dodgers on TV. What are you doing?

Who are they behind in one game?? Please ask someone! Nevermind!

The Padres!

Yeah, you're right.

I know.

Wanna do something in a while?

Sure...Like what?

Like hook up.

Okay, like in your car?

You know what, I shouldn't be saying that to you. I would be contradicting myself on everything I've been saying. I'm sorry.

What?!

I don't want you to be the fallback girl when it's me and my intentions to just hook up. I said I wanted to be your friend and that's what I want to be.

I think I know what your deal is. You think that if you have sex with me and that's it, I will start getting all weird and start asking you to be my bf again right? Well guess what? I'm done trying, you don't want to be with me and I get it now.

I want you, but I don't want to make it as if we're gonna be together right away, because I'm just not ready. I can't put you in that spot.

I think you should just fuck me, I haven't had sex in over a week and neither have you!

Wow, alright then.

But...you have to bring me my underwear and shorts!

I had sex with Matt last night and I never came. He never gave me my underwear or my shorts either.
It was awkward from the moment he picked me up until the moment he dropped me off. On the way back to his house he looked at me lovingly (or was it lustfully?) and grabbed my hand and held it while he drove, I acted normal and didn't really say much.

I've already decided to shut down the part of my brain that wreaks havoc on my emotions and turns my common sense upside down. So with that being said, I refuse to have romantic feelings for Matt right now, but not forever, just not at the moment.

We went to his house and he tried to sneak me into his room but Gary's mom was in the kitchen and you have to walk by it to get to the hallway. It was a fail. So he took me around to the backyard and we went into the unfinished tool shed. When he left to get a sleeping bag, I checked his text messages on his phone. I don't know why I did this, I guess to make sure he isn't fucking Jessie. I don't know why I care, but it's obvious I do. I saw some text messages from Erika and mostly from me, but when I looked in his sent messages I noticed some texts he sent to a girl named Rebecca. Some said that he was doing this or doing that and one even said he wanted to cuddle with her. I was initally hurt and angry when I saw them but I realized that I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't react this way.

He went down on me right away without even asking me if he could and after he was done he asked me to go down on him and I did unwillingly for a minute and then we had sex. Then when we would take breaks between sex, he would tell me to kiss him and to lay on his chest and then he said, "You make me feel so good". So I corrected him and told him, "Having sex with me makes you feel good not me."

I'm getting really sick of him saying these little, stupid, sentences because they fucking confuse me and send me mixed signals! After he came and got tired he took me home and while we were driving he said, "I want to spend the night with you." But I told him he couldn't because the dog will bark at him and wake up everyone in my house. Then he asked me if the garage is near my room and I said yes. But he said it was to sketchy and it's true knowing me and my luck I would get caught and my relatives will kick me out of this house and for what? A stupid, penis that belongs to my ex-boyfriend!

At this point I don't know what to do or feel anymore, it's all so complicated...