I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends.

"Hi!
Hey!
;)
How you doing?
I'm doing grrreat! How about you?
Good, going to work soon.
Sounds like fun, lol. I miss you puto!
Thank you poo head.
Thank you?! Pinche cabron.
Yes, thank you. It's nice you think about me. =)
I wish you thought about me. :P
I do but I think it's time to talk sometime.
Yeah, what about? Let me guess...You like me but you
don't like me enough to date me. You're not ready for a relationship and you want to stay single. Did I forget anything?!
I am ready for a relationship but in the long run, I don't see us together. You're fun and amazing and sweet. But I hate to do this over text. That's why I said we should get together soon.
Why do you not see us together in the long run?
Not getting into details over text, mamma.
Why don't you call me and explain, I don't have any intention of seeing you! Sorry!"

Taken my demeanor and emotions you can obviously tell from the above text conversation that I was literally crushed, hurt and angry. I really liked him a lot. I don't know why but I did. I keep continually doing something wrong. I talked to my straight friend Ryan Barge and he thinks I keep giving the milk away for free and guys just don't seem to take me seriously. Maybe he's right.
Either way after taking a Xanie bar from Nick and taking a hit or two of weed and having a talk with Robert made me feel 100 times better.
As far as I see it now, Tyler was never good in the sack. He was 1 out of 3. He's not very tall, can't dance and takes the saying, "Dumb Blonde" to a whole new meaning. If he thinks I'm not good enough for him that's just a fucking laugh. I still don't want to see his stupid face though. Ever. I might see it this Saturday when I hang out with Halley but I hope I don't. I have nothing to say to that stupid, piece of dumb shit. I can't wait until he figures out he made a mistake and then I'll have my revenge and tell him, "You snooze, you loose, you pathetic piece of shit!" I fucking hate that guy with a passion.

I die a little inside, each any every time I see you.

You pick me up from my house; the one in the gated community "Acacia", in your original vehicle; the BMW convertible and you say, "Hello" to me as I step inside your car. I say, "Hi" and reply a bit sheepishly as I buckle my seat belt and I am glad that it is night because I am not wearing any make-up and I feel bare and naked.


As we drive out of the gate and pass by the water fountain, you say to me that I look pretty tonight and I can't help but laugh. I chuckle with an air of uncertainty and think to myself that you'll say anything to charm your way into my pants.

I smoke a cigarette in your car even though I know that you don't like the smell of smoke when it lingers on your leather seats. I wish I felt special tonight because you picked me up, gave me a compliment and brought me to the house that you live in with your best friend along with his family. I can't, because I know what I'm here for.

I have to take off my sandals because they make a loud, flip-flop sound and I follow you to the backyard because you can't sneak me inside the house. We walk in the dark and the grass is cold under my feet and I hold your hand as you lead me (astray) to the unfinished garden shed. A small white dog meets us on our way to the shed and I am certain it will bark and catch someones attention from inside and a person will emerge from the back door and catch us red handed. But it never made a sound so I ask you if it is friendly and you say, "Yeah, she's not mean" and as we climb the steps into the shed I look behind me and realize "she" is following us.

Then as you start to close the door she walks inside too and sits by the door staring at us while she licks her lips. "What kind of a dog is that?" I asked you. "I don't know, she's a mutt", you reply. I kneel by her and pet her as you take off your jacket and put your phone into your pocket along with your keys. It is pitch black inside and I notice the sky light overhead that is still missing a glass windowpane.

You announce that you have to go get something from inside the house and you let the dog back outside as you walk out of the shed. I sit there in the darkness alone and for a few seconds as I try to make up my mind about something.

I decide to stand up and step on nails and screws scattered on the floor with my bare feet as I walk over to your jacket and I reach inside your pocket for your phone. I open your Env II and click the menu button and scroll down until I find your text messages. I just need to be sure about one thing; that you aren't still talking to "her".
I see text messages from me and then I see some you have sent to another girl named Rebbecca.
There is one particular text that catches my eye which says, "It's a nice night to take a nap together." I instantly remember her from High school.

She used to wear wire rimmed glasses; the nerdy kind. She is Caucasian and has dirty blonde hair, small boobs and a boyish, stick figure to match. I delivered a pizza to her four years ago when I was a delivery driver; she only tipped me two dollars. Bitch.

I become immediately suspicious. "Did you fuck her?" I ask no one out loud. I want to confront you when you came back; I want to ask you to take me back home. I want to make a scene, I want scream and yell and shout. But then I'd have to admit to you that I looked through your text messages. An that I'm nosy; that I still undoubtedly do not trust you. I decide against the outburst, "you win again" Matt, I say to myself out loud.

I assume I am just paranoid and I place your phone back into the pocket of your jacket and the screen glows through it for me to see and turns off after several seconds. My heart pounds and the palms of my hands become instantly sweaty as I hear your footsteps coming closer and I am glad I didn't get caught snooping by you.

You walk in the shed with a sleeping bag, how romantic, I sarcastically think to myself.
I'm a pawn, sure I've dated you twice but I've never been able to capture your heart or your soul.

You lay down the sleeping bag in the middle of the floor and sit on top of it and ask me to come sit next to you. I stand up and look at you and I am hesitant in the darkness. I wait for a beat and snap out of my insolent mood.

I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I walk towards you and I sit facing you on the thinly insulated sleeping bag and you lean forward and kiss me.

It is a passionate yet lustful kiss; full of pent up aggression and mirth at having won the prize for tonight.
My heart is not in it but I kiss you back and you stick your tongue down my throat, I don't do the same but you don't really care or notice anyway.

Then you kiss my face, down my neck and to my breasts. I'm a simple, lonely girl, I think to myself while you undress me. It's always been like this.

You start to kiss my lips again and I try to stop thinking and go along with it. I'm stark naked on the sleeping bag and you still have your clothes on; you sit there and relish the fact that I'm indisposed.

You began to undress yourself and I sit there disinclined, waiting.
We make shapes in the dark and I feel lost. I am not lost in a good way; I'm disenchanted and I know why.

I never came.

I stand up after awhile in my nakedness tonight and you say after a few seconds of looking at me from behind how you love my curvy body.

I stay quiet and stand with my back to you and pause. Then I look above my head at the skylight and look at the stars. I feel bare and cold. I realize I am naked and I began to look for my scattered, clothes and you follow my lead and we get dressed in silence.

We walk back out into the backyard and my sandals make the flip-flop sound as I walk but I don't take off my shoes. I walk ahead of you and head straight to the front yard and wait for you in your car as you put the sleeping bag away.

I am tired.

I am ready to go home now and go to sleep.

And you would if I would, but you never would.

I got laid last night. I got laid by Kevin Fitzsimmons, my ex-lover, who I used to date a long time ago. My male twin. The sex was amazing as usual there's no other adjective to describe it. I had a lot of fun with him like I usually do because we know each other; we know each other's bodies very well. I even gave him a blow job for the hell of it and he almost came in my mouth but didn't because he knew it would be a rude thing to do.
The only thing that bothered me is that although I had fun last night, something was missing. Scratch that, someone was missing.
Tyler was missing from the equation.

It should have been Tyler here last night in my arms and in my bed.
I just can't get seem to get him out of my head.
Two days without a text from him. I hope he doesn't take the fact that I deleted the cute little picture of the two toothbrushes together and the happy face I posted on his wall the wrong way.
I like him a lot, I want to be his girlfriend so much.
I like him even though he is mediocre in bed. Is that bad? Is it bad that I'm sleeping around while seeing him? I don't think it's that bad because he still might be dating other girls. In fact he may be getting blow jobs or sex from these girls.
I wish I knew what was going to happen between him and I. I can't sleep or think straight. I keep straining my brain over this whole situation. I just want to quit already! Please ask me to do something with you for New Year's, Tyler. I want to be the one to kiss you and bring the new year in with you. If you only knew that I wouldn't have you any other way... <3

Kevin Fitzsimmons and the epiphany.

"Hey.
Hola, Senor.
What are you up to at this hour?
I am on the computer. And you?
Just got home.
Me too well like an hour ago. I was playing pool with my friends. =)
Oh yeah? How'd you do?
Pretty shitty. Lol. I did win one game at least!
1 out of 2 is still good. 1 out of 3...Idk, lol.
It was like 1 out of 3. I suck, I know this. I'm bored my roommates left me and I'm at home all alone except for Netflix. =(
I know this sounds weird but I texted you because I just had an alcohol induced epiphany. Out of all the people in my recent text history; I've technically known you the longest (aside from my family). By default it made me realize how short life is, lol.
And? Was that the only thing you realized?
Was there something else that should have come to mind?
I don't know, you tell me! I didn't have a recent epiphany, lol. I mean you said, "Life's too short."
It is...it's just that 7 years went by too fast. We only get 70 some odd of those, lol.
You mean we only have 70 years left? Lol. You should come over and explain this theory to me more thoroughly.
I don't even know where you live now.
Pomona. In a house behind the Fairplex in the hills.
Hmmm I wouldn't mind hanging out, is this a trap? If not what's your addy? =)
It's not a trap. My address is:
Lol. It kinda depends what kind of a trap you want to be in.
Well what kind is it?
A good trap I think. I promise I won't tickle you. Bring a movie there aren't any good ones to watch here.
k see you soon."

Second Ave. Saloon

I woke up three times today and it sucked. I can't sleep at night. I practically drank half a bottle of wine to myself and I still couldn't sleep! Then to top it off my dreams were so weird and odd.
I dreamt that I was having a face to face conversation with Tyler and he told me he really likes me a lot and he wants to date me but the only thing that's stopping it from happening is his "sister".
That she doesn't want us to date each other and therefore we can't be together.
I was shocked and appalled in the dream. All my questions were answered and I finally got what I wanted but not really. Because he couldn't be my boyfriend. Then I had another dream where I was talking to my Dad. It was really weird to say the least!
I told Nick about my dream and he said maybe it's a premonition. Maybe Halley is interferring with me and Tyler. But dreams can never be taken literally. They are only manifestations of you and your feelings. At least that's how I feel about dreams.
Tonight I'm supposed to hang out with Ryan Barge for a little while and then I'm going to pick up Amanda (Jess's little sister and were going to go play pool at Second Ave. Saloon in downtown Upland...
LATER...

I ended up picking up Evan Solano and bringing him with us to play pool. I had fun besides the fact that I was stoned out of my mind. When I went to Ryan's house I gave him a Tylenol 3 with Codeine and he smoked me out with weed from the shop. So it was good and even thought I took half a Xanax bar I was still to fucked up. I don't know why I continually do this to myself. It's like I have a love/hate relationship with weed or something. I need to give it up. I think this will be my New Year's resolution.
When I came home I saw a skunk near the car port where I park my car so I started honking at it and it retreated thank god and I saw it walk away into the path that leads up to the other house behind the car port. I made sure I ran to the house, I didn't want the thing to spray me!

I shaved every place where you been boy.

I got a text message from someone yesterday evening. Guess who it was? Yes, Tyler.

"Hey you?
Oh, hey."

I waited almost two hours to text him back; the trick with boys is to make them think you have better and more important things to do than to be texting or talking to them. I need to regain my power back. I still have power of the pussy and lord knows he's not going to get sex from anyone else....I hope.
And sure enough this little text message conversation last night influenced this text message from Tyler this afternoon.

"Hey, you. I miss you. We need to get together soon."

I'm still going to make him wait and keep him guessing and not text him right away. It's always best to keep them on their toes. I hope he's realizing that he's getting a taste of his own medicine. I may be only a year older but I'm still wiser and smarter than he is.

"Awwww, that's really sweet. I agree we should hang out soon."

That was the worst Christmas ever.

These past two days have been so empty. For one I didn't have a phone for about almost two days. I didn't take a shower until last night. I watched the Freaks and Geeks marathon with Greg and hung out at his house all weekend with him until he dropped me off this afternoon.

I didn't go to my parent's house for Christmas; my mother texted me Christmas day saying that my dad stayed home and she was upset with him. It sucked but I did not want to go back home so I stayed with Greg and Nick's parents. I liked being there it was a change of pace. And hanging out with Greg was intriguing and not boring at all. Even though I didn't expect anything to happen (nothing happened) I still wanted to be around someone; I'm kind of getting bored with all these people's faces.
I know Robert, Nick and everyone else thinks that it's a little odd that I stayed over Nick's family's house all that time, but I don't care. I'm still kind of disappointed that nothing happened with Greg.
I guess maybe I do think about sex a lot. Maybe too much. I still can't believe that we slept in the same bed two nights in a row and still nothing happened. I would of made the first move but I don't want it to be weird again with another friend's brother. Even if Greg is four years older than me.
All these messy entanglements are gonna get the best of me one day. And when I came home today I couldn't help but ponder everything that has happened these last few days even with the aid of pot and Disaronno. What a queer weekend this was...

I can't get out of what I'm into with you.

Today sucked. I lost my cat and had a meltdown and started crying because I thought Lux had ran away and was dead. Then I went on Facebook and looked at Tyler's wall and read this:
"I feel you man, everytime I'm interested in a girl shit hit the fan and goes all bad, lol. Bad news all around!"

What was I supposed to think after reading this post he left on someone's wall post. I know I'm being vain about assuming he's talking about me but come on! It's so fucking clear to me.

Tyler and Moi
"Hi stranger.
Hi
Ohhh-kay. Lol.
Lol.
Well, I just wanted to wish you an early "Merry Christmas". I hope you have a good one...Ttyl, Tyler.
Thank you mama, you too!
I miss your presence, Ty. =)
Awww that's really sweet.
Yeah, sure it is...

Halley and Moi

Hey.
Hi
So how're things?
Good still have a cold =( you?
Awww, I'm alright I guess been stressed because of the holidays. I have a ? to ask.
What's up? Why are you stressed hun?
I'm just worrying about your brother and me. It feels like it's awkward now. I feel like he's over it now. Oh well, I tried. DON"T TELL HIM, please! =/
I won't tell him but just ignore him babe, I don't think he's ready for a relationship.
Thanks for the advice. I'll get over it soon enough...=(
Ignore him, if he's smart he'll realize what he's missing. But please don't let that affect you coming over and hanging out.
I have been kind of ignoring him but texted him an early merry christmas and he was just being weird and stuff. I won't, I value your friendship more than whatever happened between me and your brother.
Well my dinner sucked...everyone got tri tip and I got reheated chicken. Lame.
Awwwwww.
I know I"m pretty butt hurt about it, lol.
I'm pretty butt hurt too. Lol.
Well if you want butt hurt company you can come over here? We can watch movies and we have stuff for hot chocolate.
I'm hanging out with my friend's family tonight. And I really don't feel like seeing your brother for awhile. If you catch my grift.
Lol, ok.
I wish I was laughing out loud. I'm just gonna keep drinking this Disarrona Sour and be merry.
Don't be down! Just say screw him and be happy you have meeeeee lol, jk.
I am happy I have you. I just knew I shouldn't have gone out on a few dates with your brother I should of listened to my instinct. I had a feeling he was a jerk. My spidey sense are always right!
I'm sorry hun. Come over when he is here sometime, look all cute and completely ignore him. =)
No, he ruined it. I don't ever want to see his stupid face ever again. He's a dork who thinks he's all that and a bag of potato chips! I'm swearing off me altogether. I should of given Justin Cioni a chance he was nice, broke but nice.
No offense to you and your family. I love your family but your brother is on my shit list.
Men suck.
I'm sorry, I'm being a Debbie Downer I'm going to take your advice and ignore your brother. I'm so happy you're back in my life. I missed our friendship more than you know.
Missed your friendship too. =)
<3
<3"
All I have to say is that I was so drunk I wasn't even spelling correctly. If I'm just a little tipsy I don't make huge spelling and grammatical errors like I did, so that's how I know. I'm an asshole.
I ended up spending the night at Nick's parent's house on Christmas Eve, I know in part it was because of hormones (Greg) and the fact that I didn't want to go back to Robert's house.
It's too fucking hectic over there. I am so bummed out about Tyler it's pathetic. =(

Veronica has the Curse.

<----------------- This is exactly how I feel. I finally stated bleeding today. I woke up with cramps and the only solution I could come up with was to take an 800 miligram ibuprofen, (take Nick to his doctor's appointment because he's too scared to tell Robert he's going back on pain pills again) and smoke some pot at 10:30 in the morning. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. Literally.

About last night, I finally gave in and text Tyler even though I said I wouldn't but three days had gone by already. So I did...

"Hi, my buttery, little croissant. =)
Lol hey.
How's it going?
Good just got off work and you?
Just got home from x-mas shopping a little while ago. I miss you...a little. =)
Been thinking about you too.
You're sweet. <3
Lol you are.
Lol, you're fucking fantastic!"
Wow, I sound like a jerk. "You're fucking fantastic." Seriously? How much more stupid can I appear to yet again, another person of the opposite sex. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you the other day I got a letter from EDD saying I am eligible for a first tier of emergency extended benefits. They awarded me another $5,600! So I have that going for me, lol!
I get to lounge around and work on my art, blog, Facebook, learn to paint, buy a drum set-start a band, fuck off for another five months starting whenever I get my first check. Last night Nick told me that when he gets his money from his settlement he wants to move to Oregon and he wants me to come live with him. I won't have to pay rent he says or anything. Oh how I wish I can become a hippy again and find my true, (hippy) love............

Tyler B. Clark

Today sucked. It rained and there was nothing or no one to do. =(
And the only text message I received today was Halley asking me to go to sushi with her at nine at night.

Je t'ai manque!

Today started out rainy, cold and exhausting. I didn't go to sleep until seven in the morning because Nick decided he wanted to do some Adderall and invited me to snort some up my nose I did about two and half pills worth last night and we stayed up making jewelry and crocheting. That is why I didn't fall asleep. Then this morning Amy called me about going to lunch at noon I ignored her call but I texted her and we changed the time to one o'clock instead.

I met her and Ashley at El Pescador in Ontario and we had brunch. I found out Amy is not only getting engaged but she's having another baby and Ashley's husband Jack wants to have another child. I'm so jealous of them they are both in healthy relationships and are totally in love with their spouses. I want that too. I know it won't come right now at this time in my life, but I hope it happens soon enough...

I called my mother back and she had bad news. They are broke again. They can't even afford laundry detergent. =(

Halley called later and said that the streets were too flooded to go see the x-mas lights. So she instead invited me and Nick over her house to go watch a movie. We watched Revolver and Nick sat with us on the couch and crocheted. I really had hoped Tyler would've came home so I could've seen him. I think I may be falling for him. I think I am but I won't admit that to Nick or anyone else but you, diary. Feelings are fleeting and constantly changing for me and everyone else in this world.

Tyler and moi:

"Je t'ai manque.

Huh?

I guess you better find a french translator.

You want me in your bed.

No, it's not perverted. You pervert. I like you and I don't just want that from you. I hope that's not what you think about me...

No, but that is what it says...Lol, ha jk. We get along  good and it's fun being around you. =)

Yeah, I have a great time with you too. I hope we have more good times ahead of us.

Your sweet.

=)"

I still think he may not see me as more than a fuck buddy. But I'll try to change this in the future. I want our relationship to blossom into a more, meaningful thing.

"But I would not want you any other way."

Tyler texted me early in the morning, asking if I was still coming to the x-mas party and when I didn't text back he called me so I called back and he asked and I said yes. I can't believe he called me. Before I left to the Clark's x-mas party I took two .5 xanaxs to calm my nerves. I just knew I'd feel awkward being around Tyler and his parents and Halley. I mean how would you feel if you fucked your old best friend's brother? You would feel awkward. So anyways Kym Anarbol's ex-gf was there and I can't believe he ever dated her. She is skinny and white but has a mediocre face. Were supposed to go Monday night and see the Christmas lights in Rancho Cucamonga? Or some richy rich area and wonder around to look at the houses. I guess it could be fun...

Tyler kept being cute with me when no one was around at first. When everyone left from the backyard and it was just us two we kissed and hugged. I like it when he holds me tight.

Later on while we were lounging around and sitting next to each other, he bit my shoulder and Halley saw him and told him to stop. It was funny. Later on she asked me if we had been out on more than one date and I said, "Yes, why?" And she said, "I can tell."

We played Catch Phrase again with her whole family and me and Tyler sat next to each other while we played. I was surprised he put his arm around my chair while we played the game.

Earlier, he even sat next to me on the couch and put his hand on my knee for a few minutes until maybe one of his relatives looked and then he took his hand off my leg out of guilt or embarrassment?

 Later on when more relatives left and were all around the dining room table, Halley's dad brought out a joint and a wooden ashtray with a naked woman adorning it. I loved the ashtray and exclaimed about my like of it and Halley's dad said you really like it? I said yes that I love the female body and not so much the male body that's it ugly. That I like to draw naked women for art, Halley's dad said we should "collaborate" sometime. Okay maybe he didn't use the word collaborate but that's what he meant.

Then while we were playing the game Halley's dad passed the joint to me and I took like two hits and was fucking wasted.

 I was so stoned I felt like my head was a fucking balloon or some shit. It was totally uncomfortable! Not even Tyler was smoking out with his parents at the dining room table, I don't know why I thought I should.

A little later I bowed out and escaped to the bathroom and Halley's room so I could be stoned in peace. Tyler and Halley were getting ready too and I tried to not act so awkward and quiet around everyone, especially them. But I couldn't the paranoia and social anxiety got the best of me, yet again.

After waiting for Halley's two girlfriends to get to the house so we could be on our way to the Party Bus we finally left and I went with the girls in their car while Tyler and his two friends went in his car.
When we go the Mills we quickly realized we were the only seven people on the bus. The bus drive Frank asked if we could get more people to come too. While we went for another alchohol run I talked to Halley and asked her to tell me more about her brother she divulged that he is a "player".

I was not shocked in the least I knew in my heart he had gotten a text message last week when he came over and had also gone out to BJ's for cocktails and an appetizer with a girl as well, probably the girl that had texted him that night in my room. Tyler and his friends went to go get alcohol for themselves and were gone for awhile so I was steamin' by the time they came back and Tyler went to check up on me. I divulged that I found out something about me from his sister. He asked me if it was good. I said no then he asked me what she said and I told him I wouldn't say anything and he asked me again so I told him that she called him a player. He was a little surprised and went right up to Halley and asked her if she had called him a "player' she denied it and got mad at me for telling him that she said that because she didn't want her brother to be upset with her. I felt really bad because Tyler got mad and sat away from us girls and started texting again. Tyler started texting and calling people and after waiting for another hour or so we went and picked up a bunch of people that Tyler had managed to find.
We went to Tequila Hoppers but they were filled beyond capacity so while we tried to all figure out where else to go I stepped out and smoked a cigarette. Tyler came out and I told him that his sister had not said that. That I thought that and it was a test to see how he'd react to be called that. I told him he failed the test and that I knew he had lied about who he went out with last week to me and that he had gotten a text message from a girl. He tried to lie again to me but came clean and admitted that he's dating around but that he's not trying to play me that why would he try to play his sister's best friend. I told him it was okay that I also have been dating around. I guess you could say we made up. We kissed eachother and jumped back on the bus.
On the bus ride to 2nd. Ave Saloon, Tyler told me another hidden truth.
He pointed out an ugly, skinny girl that was sitting across from us and told me that he had gone out on a couple dates with her but that he hasn't anymore and that he just wanted to be honest about it because apparently the girl was giving me dirty looks along with her friend. I told him thanks for telling me the truth and I also said that he could do a lot better. "Why do you think I'm sitting here with you?!"
I laughed. When we got the bar we stepped out together and waited in line to get in he paid the cover charge for me and he bought me a Fat Tire when we got inside and I gave the waitress a tip.
We found Halley and her two girlfriends on the dancefloor and started dancing together it was so fun. Then after awhile we left to go outside and get some air.
We sat outside together and then went back inside to go find his friends. His friend Wesley called me Tyler's girlfriend for a second time and I told him I wasn't Tyler's girlfriend and he then retorted, "well then I guess your Tyler's fuck buddy then."
I was irritated and I turned to Tyler and asked him if had told his friends that we were fuck buddies, he said no that he wouldn't ever say a thing like that. I got mad and left and tried to find Halley and her two girlfriends but I couldn't find them so I came back to the Tyler and his friends and playfully slapped Tyler and his friend Wesley and walked out to the patio to smoke a cigarette. Tyler came out to find me and we talked a little and he reassured me he hadn't said a thing like that, that his friend Wesley is really drunk and that I should just ignore the stuff he's saying. Then he asked me for another kiss and we kissed outside on the patio for all the world to see. I laughed because it felt good to be genuinely, kissed in public. <3
We all finally left around 1:30 a.m. and went back to the Mills and went home in our cars including the rest of the people we came with. Then me, Halley and Tyler's friends all squished in Tyler's car and I sat up front and we followed the party bus to someone's house so Tyler could smoke out with Frank the party bus driver.

"Come give me a softy."

"I'm getting sick! Come take care of me lol, jk. Ha, you wish!"

I meant to sound rude and blunt to him. It sounds like at least to me that he blew me off when I suggested that we should go see a movie. I really must mean nothing to him. Oh well.

Today I took Nick to the doctors', Walmart and Michael's I feel like a god damn taxi service. It's not fair that since Robert is gone I have to drive Nick everywhere he wants to go. If Robert or Nick gave me gas money I'd drive Nick and Robert wherever they wanted to go. GAS costs money which is something they don't ever take into consideration. So what if I don't have a job or nothing really to do. I pay rent and clean up after them and myself all the time, practically every day. Living with boys sucks, they make such a mess and the bathroom is disgusting after just one day.

On another note... I texted Tyler today, only because I wanted to go to Rock It! and I was desperate for someone to go out with me dancing. Dancing is addicting like clothes, purses and CDs. But to no avail, I could not find anyone to go with. And Nick spent the last of his money on beads so he could make x-mas jewelry for his other friends. (He bought red coral and flat coral beads, they are so pretty! I hope the purse he gives me for x-mas isn't ugly.) So he couldn't go out even if he wanted to because he's broke like usual. I ramble too much when I'm stoned. So anyways, like I was previously saying...

Convo #2
"Hey, what are you doing tonight besides working?
Nothing.
Want to go out dancing with me?! Come on, it'll be fun!
No I'm sick.
That's not what you said this morning. You said you were "getting sick". Whatever, Tyler!
Yeah I am getting sick you dummy.
Don't call me a dummy. Or else I'm going to spank you! I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Lol.
That's what I thought.
Lol I want to come give me softies.
What the fuck is a softy?!
Lol. Touching me softly with your nails...all over my body! Gives me goose bumps, lol.
I bet that's not all you want.
Lol whatever.
Whatever, Tyler!
I'm sick! Don't make fun of me!
Hi, my name is Tyler and I enjoy softies and soft tissues for me to blow my nose in.
Blow me.
Not in this lifetime, buddy.
Next?
I only give bj's to my boyfriends and that's it. That's a special privilege not many receive from me!
I feel like shit.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww, poor Tyler!
What kinda person are you! You would make a horrible gf! Making fun of me while I'm sick. You should be here taking care of me!
I'm an excellent gf! Just ask my ex bf's. I would bring you homemade chicken soup but you called me a dummy...
Sorry about that. I just didn't know there was a difference between being sick and getting sick, lol. They Both make me feel like shit, lol.
Lol, well I hope you get better.
Thank you!
Your welcome!!
I miss you... I would have went out but my temp is at 100 right now.
I miss you too. :( You should take a cold bath that'll bring your temperature down.
I need to.
Take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen."

I still don't believe a word he says. Words are just words, it's not like most people mean what they say. I do though.

Hump day and the cheerleader rant.

Another text message analyzation between Tyler and I:

"Hey Tyler you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Tyler!
Hey sexy.
Did you like my cheerleader rant? Creative, huh? Lol.
Yeah you're so good! So how have you been? What've you been doing?
I've been great, I've just been looking for a job and keeping busy. How about you?
Yeah work and finals!
That's awesome, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. We should go out again and go see a movie soon, like Tron or something. =D
Lol, ha ha you're coming to the x-mas party and on the bus, yeah?
The x-mas party yeah but what is the bus? Is it a party bus?
Yeah.
No, well your sister never mentioned it!
Yes she did! Omg, lol I'm not sure if I'm going or not but I think the party and the bus is the same night.
Oh! I guess I forgot. Both of them sound sound fun. Why can't you go to both? Lol.
Well I don't know yet what time I work.
That sucks. =( Well, either way I hope I see you this weekend."

I felt like such a jerk after this conversation. It's so remarkably clear to me that he doesn't want to go out with me in public anymore. Nick and Robert ragged on Justin Cioni being a bum, not buying me a drink and sucking in bed but at least he wanted to hang out with me (in public again) UNLIKE fucking Tyler. What is with guys nowadays. Tsk. Tsk. I would've been really upset and distraught again like I had been about Andrew but compared to Tyler he comes up short.

Tyler comes too fast but he's extremely attractive. Andrew is not very cute but he's got an awesome personality and is sensational in the sack which makes up for all his flaws. I feel as though Tyler is a bit vapid and vacant. I mean I don't really know much about him besides the fact that he wants to screen print t-shirts and that he's going to Chaffey for business? Oh and that he's a server at The Olive Garden at the Mills; he's just my old best friend's little brother and I just so happen to have a crush on him...

Tonight, I shoplifted from Kohl's. Tuesday night I plotted and decided I needed some new bras but since I'm strapped for cash I decided I would steal some since I'm poor. I stole 3 bras and a pair of Vera Wang for Kohl's, lace, underwear. I felt so nervous and guilty that I ended up buying a black, lace, dress by Elle for Halley's x-mas party this Saturday. I need to return it though, it cost me thirty bucks that I don't have!

12/12 - 12/13

I texted Tyler this picture on the right and he texted me later Sunday night, "Sweet dreams, pretty lady. =)" Am I really considered a lady? When I hear the word "lady" I think of an older woman that is in her thirties or something. I didn't do squat shit yesterday. I can't even remember what I did yesterday. I think Nick and I stayed home all day while Robert went to work. Today I took Nick to the DMV and waited in the hot sun so he could get an I.D. and I could get an address change. I was dehydrated once again today. I need to drink more water I'm making myself sick. That's all I can think of for right now... Tyler texted me and we had a little conversation nothing too big.

Shaturday

Woke up feeling like shit. I was a little drunk the night before but the cold wore it off but I still felt dehydrated and hung over. I went with Nick to his psychiatrist and it was boring. Then Nick and I went to get his glasses' with his dad at some army base. I fell asleep in the car on the way there. Kim Kardashian was performing at the army base apparently. I wonder what she looks like in person. Tyler texted me, "Hey beautiful woman! It's a beautiful day today, just like you.
 Awww, how frickin' sweet! <3 If you were a cigarette, I would smoke three packs of you a day and wouldn't mind the cancer one bit.
Gross. And you would want me in your mouth all the time. Of course, I would want you in my mouth. Just kidding. =)
Later that night Justin Cioni texte me and asked me what I was up to, I told him I wasn't doing anything and then I asked him what he was up to. He said he was having a drink and trying to find something to do. (More like someone to do.) I told him he could come over the house and hang out. He asked me who I was "chilling with" lol and I told him my roommate. Then he told me that we should go get a drink somewhere and that he was just hanging out with his friend. I told him I would love to but I don't have any money, I'm broke. That asshole didn't offer to buy me a drink so I could hang out. What a jerk. A hot jerk, but a jerk none the less. Boys, boys, boys...

Silver Lake in Pomona

Friday I texted Tyler and thanked him for the gummy bears. I was so excited. I could not wait for nightfall and for six o' clock to come so Silver Lake would start. Greg, Nick's brother was taking us and I was excited to hang out with him ever since the Thanksgiving and he had admitted he had a crush on me. He didn't act very amicable though he seemed a bit stand-offish in fact. Maybe I was projecting. I don't know. Tyler texted me. "You take your Plan B pills? Yes I did. Stop being so melodramatic, everything is okay! Lol! Blaah, you wouldn't want another Tyler in your life just quite yet, lol. You're right, not quite yet. I'm quite content with the current Tyler in my life. Lol. =) Me either. And I kinda, sorta miss the current Tyler in my life. Not that he cares. /:) Tyler misses you too. Good, sweetie pie. <3 Ewww, sweety pie?? I gotta be better than that, lol, ha. =) My cute, hot, sexy man! Better, right? Ya getting there, lol you're too cute. No, you're too sexy and hot for me to handle. Muy caliente, Señor! Ha, ha. ;) Don't let it get to your huge ego now! The show was kinda boring Nick and Greg kept leaving me alone but we got free t-shirts, cds and stickers. It was an alright night, I guess. Then we came back to the house and Nick and I grabbed clothes and stuff because we were going to Sierra Madre with Greg for Nick's appointment with his head doctor. I fell asleep in my make-up. Friday was slightly, unremarkable at least for me... 

The little rocket who couldn't hold his load.

Yesterday Justin Cioni texted me, "Hey" and I texted him back, "Hola" and he never texted back...I got tired of moping around and gave in and  texted Tyler and asked him when I would see him again or was I going to have to wait until the x-max party at his house on the eighteenth. He said he could come over at nine. I said it would be okay. I asked him what we were gonna do, stare at each other? He said we could watch a movie and I thought he wanted to go out and see a movie. He was more clear so then I asked if he could bring a movie from home and he told me he was at a buddy's house. So I told him forget about the movie. A little after eight he texted me saying he was on his way to my house. Me and Nick cleaned the house feverishly. It didn't look like it but we actually did clean (the back end) our living quarters. A little later he texted me asking what my favorite candy was. I told him, Gummy bears.

A little after nine o' clock he came over and I came out and we hugged and I took him inside. He brought "Domestic Disturbance", gummy bears and candy for himself so we could eat candy and watch movies. I thought it was a very cute gesture...

So anyways I told him I had already watched the movie he brought over so we watched "Up in Smoke" and got high and ate our candy and laughed and watched the movie; it felt like a sleepover.

Then he asked me to kiss him and I did and it was sweet and cute.

When the movie was over we went to go get me a glass from the kitchen so I could drink some wine and we went back inside my room and I decided that we would watch, "Factory Girl". He wasn't into it. He became quickly focused on me. We started making out and he fingered me until we started to grind on each other. It was hot. Then I felt him and he was hard and pre-come was coming out of his dick. I was embarrassed for him. Lol.

Then he wanted me to get on top of him and make out so I did. Then he pulled down his pants and pushed my underwear to the side and put himself in me and I fucked him. I usually never want to go on top with any guy, but there's something about him that makes me just "go with the flow".  

I stopped abruptly because I was really getting into it and I wanted to take off my underwear. So I got off him and he was like, "what are you doing?" and he came all over himself. =(

Then to cover up that he blew his load he started telling me that we shouldn't be having sex that we should take it slow, that he really likes me and that he sees our "relationship" heading the route of him just coming over and us fucking. Then he asked me when was the last time I got tested, I told him three months ago.(

 I don't think I've gotten tested since earlier this year, I can't even remember for the life of me.)

I asked him when he got tested and he said earlier this year or late last year. Then he told me he was afraid I was going to get pregnant and I told him that to stop worrying that had Plan B pills. He told me that Halley had some and that she was or is going to throw them out and that he wanted to take them from her so maybe I could use them. I guess he doesn't know Plan B pills are not birth control pills. Then a little after one in the morning he left to go home because he said he had a meeting in San Diego for some business venture i.e. screenprinting on t-shirts. I walked him to his car. I can't remember if I kissed him goodnight.

I felt weird and stoned after and discussed everything with Nick he thinks Tyler likes me a whole lot, but I know better. Especially since Tyler lied and told me after he got to my house that he had been at T.G.I.F. having drinks and an appetizer with a friend, more than likely it was a girl. I'm only thinking this because his phone was right next to me when we were watching the first movie and he got a text message and it vibrated so I looked down at it and he grabbed it really fast and text the person back and looked at me like I was nosy or knew something. I thought that was really fishy... Only time will tell with this one.

Sleepyhead.

Currently, I'm in a funk. A funk filled with boredom and mediocrity. That is depreciated with alcohol, pot and pills. My life is vulgar and has a whorish existence.

Maybe I'm down or maybe my period is on it's way but I definitely feel very unsure, like a cheap and fallible, lessened version of myself. Blah...
Tomorrow night should be fun though. Greg is taking Nick and I to the Silverlake concert at the Glasshouse. Greg shall be the object of my "drunken" affection tomorrow night. Laugh not out loud...
I guess I'm bummed that Tyler didn't hang out with me yesterday and we didn't go hiking like I wanted. What did I expect. He's a guy, just like all the other guys that have walked in and out of my life. They are all the fucking same. All the god damn same.

Cuddle Fuddle

Ever since Thursday, Tyler has been texting me...and I like it. He's kind of shy and says "lol" and says "ha, ha" a lot because he's insecure as to what I'll say back but I think it's cute and attractive.

I want a sensitive person, not an asshole.

 

Today I went to my DPSS for my appointment with my case worker but she basically told me that it appears that I still might get unemployment so therefore I am ineligible for food stamps. After my appointment and while I was in waiting in the waiting room for Nick to finish up his paperwork I started talking to a man and he told me that after my unemployment ends in 2011, I can apply for an extension.

I think I might be able to get extended benefits after my current benefits run out, at least I hope so, I need to research this on the internet. I've been applying everyday for jobs, I think I might go to Wal-mart soon and apply there as well.

 

I can't wait to see Tyler Clark, I hope it's real soon...<3

"Your owl is winking at me!"

Saturday, Tyler texted me and he mentioned he was working but he might go to Pasadena for a friend's b-day, I told him he should that Pasadena is fun. Then he asked me if I would want to go too if he ended up going after all, I said yes. Before we left that night we decided that he would come pick me up and drive us out there, but I would drive us home since he wanted to get drunk. Too bad that's not what happened... Before I left I took 1 milligram of Xanax and took a pill of Adderall to snort later so I could drive us home. I wanted to drink and have some fun too. Tyler picked me up a little after nine and we headed to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in Pasadena to eat and wait for his friends to meet us there. He ordered food and I ordered a Michelob.

After I started drinking the beer I started feeling relaxed. I felt too buzzed for my own good. I was so trashed that when Tyler's friends finally arrived I recognized a few people and one in particular, Rebecca Wilken. The girl I suspect my ex bf dumped me for just so he could stick his penis in her. Any other day I would have been extremely uncomfortable or maybe even a little angry but I was actually happy. Happy that Tyler called me his date on the phone to his friend and happy I was being taken out on a proper date. The only bad thing was that I had to snort some Adderall just too wake the fuck up!

After Roscoe's we went to Tapa Cantina in downtown Pasadena, I had to pay to get in but Tyler bought me a drink and a shot of Patroñ. We even danced for like five minutes and were just starting to have fun until all his friends left because it was one o'clock and they needed to turn in their limo before two am.
We wanted to go back in the club and dance & drink some more but we would've had to pay another $20 bucks to get back in so we decided to head back home.

On the way to the club and back to the car we held hands and he kissed me in the car it was real swell and sweet I invited him back to my house on the pretense that I would smoke him out. But I did more than smoke him out. Whenever I drink I have this incredible, debilitating, blood lust feeling that transgresses over me.
We smoked from my pipe and made out for awhile, he was a good kisser. We spooned for a little while until he couldn't contain himself and he started feeling me up with his hands and actually asked me, "Have you ever felt your own body? You feel so good!" I almost laughed at him.
Guys say the darndest things. Then he took off his shirt and I gave him a back massage and he gave me a back massage and my shirt came off and my bra obviously, at one point I held each breast in each hand and we talked about whether we should wait until another time before we have sex.

He said we didn't have to that we could wait until next time and he inferred that there would be a next time. I thought to myself, fuck it and I kissed him long and hard. We only had sex for like a few minutes, he was too excited and too horny to last very long. He blew his load all over my stomach and it was gross. After, we cuddled but he had to leave because it was almost four in the morning. I kissed him goodbye. It was a bittersweet night. I wonder, what he thinks of me now...

The Slidebar

I went to the Slide Bar in downtown Fullerton with Krista and Halley. It was fun at first but the night ended dully. At least I got several free drinks out of it along with a hangover the next morning. I didn't get home until after two in the morning. I was a little nervous at first to meet Halley at her house. I was nervous about seeing her brother. He gave me a hug and then left, I was shocked he didn't try to talk to me.,.



The college kids from Fullerton all suck. I can't ever imagine being a douche bag like all of them, they all like to play games, mind games, especially the guys. The night was a total mind fuck and not in a good way.

A Facebook message conversation with Tyler Clark

Tyler B Clark December 1 at 1:07pm

................... blaaa! lets change ur name to valorie lol or erica or lol samatha lol hahahaha jeniffer lol jk hope u still love me lol ;) VERONICA .

Veronica Estuary Palomino December 1 at 1:16pm
Love you? I never loved you. I liked you...a little bit. I can say the same about your name.
Tyler B Clark December 1 at 2:42pm
u liked me a little bit? thats more then nothing! lol aw and u like my name! Thank u! i like u too! i mean i like ur name too lol.
so wait! what u mean u liked me? a little bit?? .

Veronica Estuary Palomino December 1 at 2:47pm You're hilarious! I think you're very attractive (now). You're my type. As for then, I had a little crush on you but I think it was mutual, don't you agree?
Tyler B Clark December 1 at 3:29pm
ya i agree... u love the lovlyest smile! and it must be the beard huh?? i like the facal hair or no? i like it, it is the first time growing one. im thinking of shaving it and trying to grow a new one lol...

i was debating if i was ur type or not.... for some reason i feel im not... but that could always change lol

i thought u would want someone with dark hair, glasses, sweater, long beard, smokes a pipe lol, reads books, like maybe a school teacher, music major, theater arts major or that type of guy lol haha someone with a few extra pounds lol.. im getting there! .

Tyler B Clark December 1 at 3:30pm
i ment to write "if you like the facal hair or no??" .

Veronica Estuary Palomino December 1 at 3:39pm
I do like the facial hair that's what did me in I think. Don't cut it! Just kidding. I like all types of guys but I'm dark haired and tan so it's just n atural to be attracted to light skinned, light haired people with blue eyes. You shouldn't be so unsure of yourself, Tyler! .

Tyler B Clark December 1 at 6:00pm
aw that was nice thank u! so how can i make a date with u happen? and not make it feel awkward cuz your my sisters good friend? i guess its on me if i feel awkward lol. i feel we would have a good time hanging out...

Veronica Estuary Palomino December 1 at 6:23pm
Well, were all adults Tyler and me and Halley talked about this subject kind of, last night. She doesn't have a problem with me and you talking and stuff. She gave me the go ahead. Lol. So you have permission to ask me out on a date. :)

Tyler B Clark December 1 at 7:23
awww yess... well, good to know!

Veronica Estuary Palomino December 1 at 7:46
=)

Toro and Justin Cioni

Last night I went with Halley to Toro Sushi for dinner, drinks and dancing.
I was slightly bored at dinner, Halley's photographer friend and his group of friends were boring and there was only one cute guy in the entire group and he was only about 21 or 22.
However, that changed eventually.
While I was sitting at my chair and being observant as usual, I noticed a guy walking to the bathroom and thought he looked extremely familiar. Then I noticed him walking by my table again and I couldn't help but stare at him. He totally caught me staring at him but I still kept my gaze on him because I wasn't embarrassed. He kept walking to the Loo and turned around to look back at me one more time before ducking into the bathroom.
When he came out I watched him walk by and when he got to the bar he looked back to me sitting at the table and waved me to come over and talk to him. I excused myself from the table and Halley and walked over to Justin with my bottle of Pacifico.
He had no clue who I was and assumed we went to Mt. Sac together. What a joke. He said I look like a "Sarah" ...
I kept the conversation moving elsewhere and eventually ended up hanging out with him and Halley for the remainder of the night. He never offered to even buy me a drink, what a typical stoner. He had crows feet already and looked like semi-cute stoner.
I took him home to his house in Claremont and spent the night with him and went home in the morning.
I feel bad saying this but he sucked in bed and the first time we had sex he abruptly stopped, I didn't know why at first but then I felt wetness on my nether regions, it was probably cum now that I think about it. Ewww.
We fell asleep listening to The Black Keys and when I woke up in the morning sometime he refused to turn off the music. We had sex again in the morning and he came in like two minutes. I was very disappointed. After we had sex I went to use the restroom and urinate and then I got dressed, grabbed my shoes, coat, purse and told him I needed to leave. I hugged him goodbye and he asked me if I still had his number and to contact him and I said yes I did and drove myself home. He lives off of Indian Hill above Foothill.
It seems like every guy from Highschool who I thought was very cute and desirable back in the day is now not all that and a bag of chips.
First it was Trevor Feaster - Alcoholic, Peter Cajas - Asshole/socially awkward, Kory Wilson - Cheater/bad in the sack, Kevin Fitzsimmons - Sissy/douche bag, Justin Cioni - Loser/douche bag.
They all grew up to be a bunch of tampons.

Sunday, Monday

Last night I had sex with Matthew Baldwin.
We text messaged eachother and I sent him fake pictures of myself.
I sent a picture that was supposed to be my butt but it actually was my thigh and picture of another woman's breasts.
He sent me a picture of his hard dick.
I met this person at a wine bar before the Vampire Weekend concert at the Fox Theater back in April of this year.
The whole experience was rather uncomfortable and unnerving.
I was scared my roommates would hear everything but Nick swears neither he or Robert heard anything.
It was an odd experience.
I am desperate.
I shouldn't be desperate, but I am.



I am attracted to Halley's younger brother Tyler. He's skinny and has facial hair and he's just plain cute.
I adore his laugh and he seems like he likes to joke around like me, who wants to be serious all the time?
He smokes weed and looks all American. Is that cliché? Too California?
I plan on pursuing Tyler and maybe even Nick's older brother Greg if Greg let's me.
And even though I'm scared of rejection I'm not getting any younger or smarter.
I'm pretty sure Tyler's interested too because on Saturday he sat near me during dinner and he went out to smoke with me and while we were smoking he asked me if I have any kids or if I'm married. Laugh out loud!
Then later on when we were playing some game with Halley and some of their other family. I felt someone staring at me and I looked up and it was Tyler. I caught him staring at me twice. And each time I looked him in the eyes and let him know he got caught.
Maybe I'm too sure of myself but I bet both my hands Tyler is interested in me too. All it takes now is for one of us to give in. Maybe I should wear something attractive romorrow night when I come over his parent's house to meet Halley and go to sushi. Oh no. I just remembered he might not even be home, he might be working... Damn.
I feel pretty empty right now. My life is lacking forward momentum as usual.
I need a job and I need to do all these things but it's so hard to accomplish them.
I currently lack motivation in my life.