(1/27) What a bummer

We never went out Thursday night.  Wednesday while me and Nick were walking home from Second Street I suggested we go to Rock It at the Sky Lounge and he said Jody would more than likely want to go too. What ended up happening is Robert came home from work a little after nine and was tired apparently and didn't feel like going out but he told Nick that we could go on ahead without him. Which was a nice way of saying I don't care what you do/but then again I do. So of course Nick didn't want to go after he said that. I was so disappointed and irritated. Irritated, that I didn't get to go out and dance my worries away for a few hours and mad that the world (continually) revolves around Robert, when it comes to Nick's rationality. But then again that is Nick's boyfriend! At least Jody was really nice to me and gave me some advice about boys and she said to try not to be shy around them. She even told me to try to stop worrying about what other people think about me and to just be myself and fuck everyone who dislikes me. (Things I know already and should do, but don't and can't.) Nick brought it to my attention as well that I'm coy around new people, especially cute guys; he would know I guess. She even got me to share her Rum and Coke with her. But I probably only drank her drink so I wouldn't hurt her feelings and because I have this weird lesbian crush on her...It's really queer because I'm not a lesbian and I could never have sex with a woman. But I do honestly love the female body in so many ways but not in a sexual way, in a strictly artistic and admiring nature. If I had a vagina in my face I wouldn't know the first thing to do with it and the female genitalia totally gross' me out, including my own vagina as well! Which is a contradicting idea, I know. Maybe I'm just attracted to strong personalities. I really admire her laid back attitude and "Devil may care" outlook on life. On an odd note, she got undressed from the waist up in front of me. She had taken her bra off on the drive down here and put her bra back on and put her shirt back on too while simultaneously carrying on a conversation with me. Public nudity makes me feel uncomfortable, especially nudity in a film with other people present as well. So imagine my reaction to sudden, public, female nudity right in front of my face. (I tried to pretend like I wasn't shocked or fazed but in actuality I seriously was!)But this makes her even more rad, because she obviously is secure with not only herself, but her body as well. I envy that kind of attitude and state of mind. Maybe one day I'll be at peace with not only my body, but my soul as well. That's if I even have a soul. One can only wish for such things...