Crapsucker.

Left to Escondido late in the afternoon on Sunday. But I was kind of glad that I got to leave this mundane and dirty house for a few days before the Beach House concert. It was nice to see Skosh but I suddenly started feeling annoyed with all the instant attention. He gave me his presents, a hemp choker, bracelet and anklet that he had made himself.

I had a slight itch in my throat that escalated into a full on cough by the time I went to bed with Skosh. By early morning I had a fever and body aches that kept me awake until 7 am. I caught the flu again somehow there's no doubt about it. I had Skosh go to 7-11 to buy me an array of medicine as well as a toothbrush, with my debit card of course.

We slept in until two in the afternoon and I had to go out again later in the day (on Valentine's day) to take Skosh to the stores to buy the rest of his ingredients for our V-day dinner. I rented some movies for us to watch and helped a little with dinner.

 We ate and watched movies and drank wine. I was still extremely sick and I became so irritated with his lovey-dovey behavior, I finally let him know that he's smothering me with all the hugging, kissing, fondling, touching, staring and compliments.

He apologized but still kept touching me the rest of the night which really annoyed me. We had sex and for some reason I don't know why, (but usually when I have sex with a guy I never look them in the eye while were doing it. I guess cause I don't want to meet their gaze) but after I finished and he was trying to get off I decided to watch him fuck me and I couldn't help but want to recoil and pretend like it wasn't happening.

I don't know what the hell happened I was so in "like" with him a few weeks ago but then it all went downhill. I started thinking that maybe I had made a mistake by agreeing to date him but I wasn't entirely sure of anything.

I went to sleep before him because I was exhausted and he came to bed but I couldn't sleep because of my body aches again. I eventually fell asleep but awoke a few hours later when we realized that Lux has punctured the air mattress accidentally. So we slept on the couches instead.

I had the most odd and vivid dream of lost keys, cars and a movie theater. Skosh woke me up after noon to let me know I had to drive him to some stupid meeting for his probation and then that's when everything started to suck, starting Tuesday, the day after Valentine's Day...

I was really upset and mad at the fact that Skosh even assumed I would take him to this stupid meeting, I mean I'm sick and miserable and he wants me to get out of bed to drive him because he's a stupid, jerk!

So I got up and I put a movie on and sat there fuming and watching the movie at the same time.

I took a shower and got dressed and I still took him to the meeting he annoyed me sooo much because he wasn't even paying any real attention to the fact that we couldn't find the exit for getting off the freeway. I was not only driving but watching for the exit I don't know what the fuck he was doing or if he's slightly stupid or what the deal was. So I got really upset and I guess I yelled at him about not realizing that we couldn't find the exit. Then when he didn't even try to defend himself I felt nothing but contempt and disgust for him. Then I had to tell him to call the office because he's not smart enough to think of getting directions for us since were lost...

We finally got there and when he got out of the car he thanked for taking him to his appointment I said, "your welcome" and I texted Jess and we started talking and she further helped my decision to break up with Skosh. I had been thinking about it since last night. We finally got back to the apartment and by then it was fairly apparent to me that it was over.

By then I was fucking angry and Skosh went into the bedroom and laid down while I started packing all my shit and I finally sat down and ate some soup. He finally came out and we sat on the couch together and he asked me if he was ever going to see me again after I left tonight. I asked him what he meant by that and he said he just gets the feeling that I want to break up with him and he won't ever see me again. I told him it's true I want to break up but that I would see him one day, soon. Which might be a lie....

I don't know but I do know that as of now I don't want to be with someone wondering all the time if it's for the wrong reasons. That's not right either...

I need to be alone again. I'm always saying this but I really do want to be alone. Even if it's for years because I'm tired of all this jerks I keep attracting. I'm better than that!