I can't do well when I think you're going to leave me but I know I try.

I am happy and unhappy because my glass is half empty and half full. I am grateful that I am surfing the crimson wave, a child is the last thing I need right now. I guess, I am feeling a bit insecure. A bit insecure about Matt T. even though I know it does not make any sense to feel this way. Last night he texted me and asked me what I was doing and I said nothing and he wanted to hang out so he picked me up (this time just by himself) and we went to the movies. We saw MacGruber and he even paid, it was like a date I guess. I appreciated the gesture, I guess I'm just waiting for him to start ignoring me again and for him to leave me or something. I can't explain my feelings or my (insane) thought process. I do know, I am female and I am on my rag. I may have PMS or PMDD, but I'm not sure. I feel pessimistic and forlorn right now as I write this. Please let it be just a period-related mood.  

I'm really trying to analyze these feelings right now. Yesterday, I talked to Kat on the phone and we updated each other with our current lives. I told her about the Dave P. incident and how I've been hanging out with Matt practically everyday since Monday and how I like how we are right now, because even though were not dating and we don't have titles at least were being with just each other. Or maybe that's it. Maybe since I don't have a title yet, I'm feeling this way. But then I think that even if we do date each other and were boyfriend/girlfriend maybe that will ruin us and what we do have right now?

I keep remembering the conversation I had with Robert F. in the car Tuesday morning about how Matt T. is in love with Marilee. Or maybe I heard wrong but I do know that he said, "He always goes back to you."

I wish this sentence was comforting but it's not, it's quite the opposite.

I want to think that he only has eyes for me. But I can't be sure of this. Why do I always do this to myself? Nothing is ever good enough for me. If I was thinking clearly, I would remember that this is exactly what I wanted about a week ago. I wanted to be in Matt's arms again, for us to be friends again and for him to pay attention to me because I always crave attention. But I can't even make myself believe what I wrote not even a week ago...