Why won't you make up your mind?

The question I've been asking myself since this whole thing started is are you only in this relationship because you kind of love this person or because you're desperate and it's convenient?

Are you as desperate as your boyfriend is? This is something I always come back to whenever I think about the shitty parts in my current relationship.

Why can't I look past all his flaws and focus on the good he does and how caring and attentive he's been lately?

Why do I always get sucked back into thinking those things and feeling those feelings like before. I can't figure out why I always remember about all the lies.

The lie, upon lie, upon lie, upon lie.

Just thinking about it makes my blood boil. I guess because I thought he could trust me like I trust him about my past. But as the days go by his lies continually catch up with us and then I remember and I'm lost and back to how I felt before. It's disturbing how fast my feelings can go from calm to resentful in 1 second flat.

I got a little stoned and drank a Fat Tire and I feel numbed but when is enough going to be enough for me? Am I going to become one of those couples I feel sorry for? I would rather be alone than with someone for the wrong reasons.

But I don't know if what I'm feeling is real anymore. I look at him and I feel sometimes that our love is real that it's not feigned that were more than just not two semi-attractive people with shitty lives who got together out of desperation and the need for dependency.