Momentary Bliss

Warren and I finally broke up for good and I don't even know how to feel about it. Last night on the car ride home from our "couple's therapy" session I almost cried while texting my father. But I didn't allow myself to.

I haven't mourned for this relationship yet. But it's easy not to react when one has a job and other things to focus on. The funny thing is I knew deep down that once I got a job I would break up with him or we would break up, I just knew it.

I do know for sure that I have let this relationship completely consume me and it's scary to admit that to myself. I've let myself become isolated along with him in this apartment and it's so strange to realize it for the first time and not be in complete denial about it.

I'm a very outgoing person and it's so weird to be cut off from everyone out here in San Diego. This city is so fucking huge and there's so many neighborhoods and things to do!

Making friends and going out will be hard I know but once I get a car that will help me be on my way to being a some-what normal, social, outgoing person like I used to be. I don't blame him for isolating me, I blame myself for adapting and accepting it so easily.

The fucked up part about all this is despite all this pain and heartache I've allowed myself to feel and endure with this relationship, I still want us to stay together!!! But I found out yesterday that he won't change things about himself and I can't force him to either. So that is the moral of that story.

"Your actions they push me away
Into the dark where sleepless I lay
But I'm not alone, I have company
An internal void that won't let me be"


It's amazing how I always know what song to listen to when I'm upset or feel very strongly about something. I have been listening to Jessica Lea Mayfield's album Tell Me and the song Sleepless is so accurate as to how I think and feel about everything, it's depressingly, beautiful.

I'm so caught up in all these emotions and feelings I still have for this man that I feel I never really knew deep down at all. All the lies and betrayal has made me feel so jaded and distrustful yet again about people. I'll have to guard my heart and myself once again as a coping mechanism.

It's so ironic everything really.

I didn't even like him very much and find him very attractive when I first met him. He was just another body with a face. Then when I found out we had similar "childhood experiences" I thought we could actually relate to one another and have a healthy, normal, relationship. I feel like laughing re-reading what I just wrote I sound like I'm crazy.

When you put two people together that have similar "issues" doesn't necessarily mean that you two will work out, the general idea is that you will both relate and maybe understand how you each other feel but it doesn't mean you will live happily ever after. If anything after this "dating experience" it almost ensures your relationship will fucking fail.

Why do I always think I will fall deeply in love with someone who will feel the same and we'll live happily ever after?

All I can say is that I'd rather be alone and lonely than be with someone who doesn't make me 100% happy. I'm getting to old for settling for less than what I deserve, I've lived so much in twenty-seven years that I just know it in my heart that this isn't the end of the world.

I will overcome this obstacle even if I don't believe it right now. I have some small, tiny, hope left somewhere in me and I refuse to give up on myself. I need to survive and move on. Because that's what us strong people do. We pick up the pieces and put ourselves back together and keep going on.