Nervous lonely night.

My boyfriend and I had sex twice tonight. Once earlier in the evening and another time while we were trying to fall asleep in bed.

The first time I was in the mood but he lost his erection and I didn't have the patience to wait it out any longer. The second time I consented to sex, even though I wasn't in the mood. I'm guessing I was not feeling sexy at all because I had spent the last hour or so reading medical papers written by med students ranging from differentiating between suicidal hanging and homicidal hanging to aging a corpse based on teeth.

Reading paper after paper and seeing many disturbing forensic pictures put me in a weird mood.

Why are people so depraved nowadays? Some people are pure evil.

As I lay there feigning enthusiasm while having sex with my boyfriend, I finally admitted to him that I was not sexually aroused at all.

It didn't bother him. So I continued having sex with him and I guess he's so hard up to get off he just doesn't care like he used too if I am not in the mood (probably because he's not allowed to masturbate or look at porn).

I want to keep him satisfied and I don't want him to get himself off while objectifying women in the process (look at Porn). I don't like or agree with porn. I am no prude, I used to masturbate a lot when I was a child. I get it, trust me. Masturbation is natural only when it doesn't start affecting you or your significant other in negative ways.

Men and Women get horny and orgasms feel good and are healthy for you. They're great stress relievers and help older people not become another heart failure statistic... but I cannot forget the fact that Porn was created by men for men.

Sure there's Porn written and directed by women portraying more sensual and accurate portrayals of sex between (one) man and a (one) woman but this has only been a recent thing in oh the last 10 - 15 years maybe?

Porn is much older than this. The earliest I guess you can call live-action/porn were in penny arcades in the early 1900's. Which was ultimately a small machine that you deposited a penny in and through a small eye piece you could see a number of flip cards go by in rapid succession simulating movement.

These were basically the beginning of what we now know to be silent films (a precursor I guess you could say) and were basically recordings of women undressing, standing, dancing, et cetera all while nude.

No man or woman cannot deny that Porn was created by men and they distort the normal sexual experience between a man and a woman into misguided, demeaning, degrading and misogynistic, misled sexual representations on all levels.

It's very sad and disappointing to know how very little knowledge men to this day and age have about women, our bodies (specifically our sexual anatomy [i.e. clitoris, vagina, cervix], our feelings, etc.
My boyfriend never got the "sex talk" with his parents and they're English straight from England. It's very shocking to me that this is still very much taboo and embarrassing to parents still in the 21st century.

I laid there on my back listening to the sounds of our sex and then I laid flat on my stomach (hoping this would help him climax faster) listening to him breathing raggedly and waiting patiently for him to finally reach orgasm.

I couldn't help but feel disgusted and used but this is only because laying flat on my stomach and not being sexually turned on while in that position reminds me of when I was once being forcibly held down and raped.

I can still remember hearing the ragged breathing and feeling the hot breath on the back of my neck from my perpetrator and wondering how long this was going to last for. It felt like years went by before he finished and finally
let me go.

Very unsettling memories to think about while having sex with my boyfriend but all I can do is just embrace my feelings and thoughts because after all I am only human and I guess I feel I have to accept the events that have happened in my short life.

But I definitely do not have to agree with them though. Some should never have happened and I guess I must be another unlucky statistic.