I am so confused and I don't even know how to describe how I feel emotionally. I looked at David's facebook wall this morning in the car while me and my family waited for free vouchers from H&M. I was snooping and I read posts left by old flames and gf's. It really pissed me off to the point where I questioned what "in a domestic partnership" to "single" meant. Initially it did not feel like it was irrational for me to feel insecure and think it had something to do with another girl. Basically...looking at my boyfriend's facebook wall makes me want to kill myself. It makes me feel insecure, vulnerable and to want validation that we are a legit item. It's not enough that he wants me around all the time and introduced me as his gf to his friend Bill. It's not enough that he knows (almost every) deep, dark, secret about me. It's never enough I still need more validation, I need him to change his status on facebook to read that he's in a relationship with me. If he's really in it for the long haul like he says he needs to make this small act of sacrifice for me to make me feel better to make me believe I'm special.
(I mean he told me on Christmas Eve that he needed to tell that older woman that he's in a relationship and that he's been putting it off, cutting it off with her.) I know what people will say.
How can you trust someone like him? And you know what I really can't but I can't judge him. I had sex with Zach less than a week before I started talking to David.
I have had sex with thirty five guys. If my mother or my family knew this they would be disgusted. I am disgusted. I feel like a whore admitting it. Yes, I've been a practicing non-hippy and have given lots of love away for free but I'm trying to change this.
I'm not the same, sad person I used to be.
I want to be happy, I want a job.
I want substance and happiness within myself.
I want to be able to not need validation from my significant other at all times at all costs.
I don't want to be jealous of the shit I read on my boyfriend's facebook wall.
I don't want to use alcohol or drugs to cope with my feelings ever again.
I want to be good, pure and whole.
I want to be a normal version of myself.
Whatever that is.
