# 1 Crush

10/25/12

I have a crush on my acquaintance Jeshua J Hedges. He is in his thirties and is the leader/singer of the band S*********. I met him earlier this year in March in Eagle Rock after a concert. 

See what happened is we got there and not even a twenty minutes later Jesh's tour manager hit on my former friend and asked us if we would stick around after to hang out with him.

After S******** finished their set the tour manager came and found my friend and asked if we wanted to go to an after party I said yes of course and we waited around like groupies while everyone filed out of the venue and went home.

We smoked cigarettes and waited inside on plastic chairs and went to the restroom to pee and fix our hair and make-up. It felt like forever sitting there waiting around for the tour manager to tell us what and where we were gonna go.

I watched Jeshua and his band-mates (mostly Jesh) pack up their equipment into their then red touring van/truck/thingy. Jesh noticed me sitting on a ledge by the stairs with my ex-friend, swinging my legs while looking at him one of the times he walked by pushing something and he turned around to look at me.

He probably wasn't exactly sure if I was just innocently looking at him or checking him out, but I was totally checking him out. Then finally the tour manager called us over and Jesh came up to talk to the tour manager and we all introduced ourselves and the tour manager asked Jesh if we could come over his friend Rawn's house in L.A. Jesh knew what my ringtone to my phone was, The Jetsons.

Jesh said yes of course and he asked me if we could all ride together and if I could possibly give him  a ride to a friend's house as well before we went to the party to go pick up some equipment. So we piled into my piece of shit Volvo with recyclables and crap on the floor of the backseat and I remember thinking to myself how embarrassing it was to not only give this rock star and his tour manager a ride in my crummy little car but swerve when we got onto the freeway and probably scare the shit out of everyone including myself.

But I was getting incredibly nervous and trying to keep it cool and failing. When I apologized to everyone and promised I'd get everyone there one piece, Jesh apologized too and said it was his fault because he was giving me verbal directions, he touched my shoulder from the backseat as he said it.

It almost smiled like an idiot.

We finally made it to Rawn's house and my ex-friend and the tour manager disappeared into the house and I went straight to the bathroom to gather myself and my nerves. When I came back out, I decided to go outside, hoping I'd find my ex-friend and to smoke.

She was deep in conversation with the tour manager and I stood awkwardly until I could sit down. Jesh came out but only to talk to his friend Rawn and I sat there across from the bassist and he ignored me even though I was talking to him at one point and made me feel like I was some twenty year-old skank. Talking to two people obviously flirting with each other made me feel ignored and bored.

I started to feel like an idiot for believing this was going to be such a great experience. This other girl I was talking to followed me in when I went inside the house to warm myself up. We traded histories and I found out she was from Nebraska visiting an acquaintance she was going to go out on a date with the next day. She rode in on the tour van and swapped German with the guitarist and wound up here at the party. She claimed she was abandoned by some drunk, rude acquaintances but I think she was a groupie because she talked about the singer from The Faint being socially awkward and odd, she also said Conor Oberst was a raging alcoholic.

I told her I had a humongous crush on Jesh and that I was kinda sad that he hadn't talked to me at the party at all. She said it's common with musicians that he's probably just socially awkward and shy and maybe I should just try harder to get him to talk to me. I usually never have this problem so it was really strange to experience this with a person...

We sat there awhile until Jesh and his friend Rawn walked by us to the kitchen and we watched them making drinks. Then Rawn saw us sitting there quiet as mouses and asked if we wanted some and we said yes and walked over. The ever elusive Jesh kept talking to Rawn and I talked to the guitarist and the groupie for a short while. Then my ex-friend came back and joined us all in the kitchen.

Wanting so desperately to engage Jesh in a conversation I lingered in the kitchen awkwardly with my friend and he finally commented on my fresh new ink on my shoulder from a few days prior and he told me how he and the band we're in (Texas?) on tour and it was Friday the 13th and they all decided to get group tattoos together of little ice creams with the number 13 in them because they were (free?) The funny thing is that while he talked about this experience he hardly looked me in the face and it made me feel like I was boring or uninteresting.

Then he and the guitarist preceded to talk about an experience they had while partying with the band and some chick who when she finally went home also left a crack pipe in their bathroom of wherever they were staying at. Then Jesh turned and asked me and my ex-friend (while looking me in the eyes while he asked) if we ever participate in extra-curricular events of that sort. I said no and so did she and he volunteered that he smokes weed and occasionally has beer but doesn't get drunk hardly or do hardcore drugs but he does smoke weed. That he's trying to be more healthy and eat better and probably will go on a raw food diet in the near future.

What is it with older people and dieting? Once you are older do you suddenly become obsessed with your diet and/or lifestyle? I don't understand. I am only 25 which is exactly a quarter of a century but I am still so young according to older people and maybe my diet isn't very important yet because I'm pretty healthy for the most part? But I sure as hell don't feel young, I feel so very old at times or maybe it's my soul that feels old.

I was nervous standing there like an idiot and awkwardly stabbed a coconut with the knife they were using to cut open the coconuts, like some kind of freak. That was really embarrassing but oh well it happened what can I say.

From what else I remember we all walked into Rawn's (bedroom) and my ex-friend, me and the groupie sat on the couch/bench thing and hung out together and they guys were all hanging out together on Rawn's bed. My ex-friend told me she saw Rawn checking me and my flat ass out earlier and we sat awhile longer until Jesh offered me some weed from a pipe he was smoking and sharing with everyone and I got incredibly stoned and I began to feel the socially awkwardness/paranoia set in and I started to do the self-questioning and finally I think Jesh volunteered to say they were all going to sleep and I was very happy to leave with the ex-friend and it was 5 a.m. when we finally did.

I think I hugged Jesh goodbye but I can't be certain it was so long ago.

NEVER meet your music crushes in real life you'll be sadly confused and let down.